I couldn’t get through the episodes fast enough! Their existence had slipped my mind until that moment, and suddenly, I found myself quoting lines verbatim at my computer. Growing up, we witnessed stars like Anthony Kiedis, Vince Vaughn, Jodie Foster, and Leif Garrett tackle sensitive issues such as bullying, addiction, sexual harassment, and family struggles. These actors managed to exude coolness while delivering cringe-worthy lines, navigating absurd plot twists, and generating drama that even Susan Lucci would envy.
Blind Sunday
First up was “Blind Sunday,” featuring Jeff, a teenager who decides to spend an entire day blindfolded to understand his blind girlfriend better. Kudos for the effort, Jeff, but seriously, do you have any idea how ridiculous you appear? If she did, the episode would have ended with her shoving you in front of a bus.
My Mom’s Having a Baby
Next, there was “My Mom’s Having a Baby,” where a ten-year-old boy is curious about how babies are made. It reminded me of a moment with my own daughter when she was eight and asked me the same question. I was nine months pregnant with her little brother, so I told her I swallowed a bean that sprouted into a baby. The reality? Sweetheart, I was a little tipsy at the bar when I impulsively pulled your dad into the restroom, and things happened so fast, I doubt he even got my underwear off. It’s a miracle Gavin is here at all.
Where Do Teenagers Come From?
Following that was “Where Do Teenagers Come From?” which perfectly encapsulates the confusion a 12-year-old girl feels about her body. This episode would have been useful weeks ago. Instead, I stood in utter disbelief as I handed my now 11-year-old daughter a towel after her shower. “Oh, sweetie,” I said. “Look, you have hair down there now. Isn’t that cute?” She bolted from the bathroom, and I didn’t hear from her for days.
The First Egg
Then I dove into “The First Egg,” where a group of high school students takes a parenting class and must care for an egg. I can just picture my daughter in 2015 participating in this project. She’d get her egg, drop it immediately, blame its untimely demise on her brother (who isn’t even around), and then return to binge-watching Netflix on her iPad.
Alexander
Before I knew it, I was on to two of my all-time favorites. “Alexander” tells the tale of a retired clown with an unwavering affection for children. Nothing creepy about that, right? But it’s outdone by “The Skating Rink,” which showcases a common struggle for American teens in the late 1970s: stuttering. Naturally, the main character, Tom, overcomes his shyness to become a champion figure skater.
Make Believe Marriage
Then there’s “Make Believe Marriage,” where high school students partner up to experience mundane married life tasks. If anyone from my generation had absorbed the lessons from this episode, I doubt any of us would be married today. “Hey love, it’s a beautiful Saturday. How about we tackle suburban Olympics? First, grocery shopping, then Home Depot, soccer practice, and the dry cleaners. After that, we’ll feed and bathe the kids, vacuum, pay bills, and crash by 9 p.m. watching Dateline. Sounds romantic, right, kids?”
It’s worth noting that between 1972 and 1997, ABC failed to address the lives of LGBTQ+ teens in any of their specials. Kudos, ABC! You dedicated an entire episode to a troubled clown while ignoring the reality of so many teenagers. I can picture poor Tom skating in circles screaming, “You fools, my stutter is the least of my problems!”
The Unforgivable Secret
I concluded my nostalgic journey with “The Unforgivable Secret,” which follows a 15-year-old girl who is shocked to learn that her supposedly “deceased” father is very much alive. This reminded me of my childhood dog, Pepi. I was told at seven that Pepi had run away to join a gang of neighborhood dogs. Years later, during a random errand, I told my mom, “I still can’t believe you let Pepi just run off with those dogs.” Her response was swift: “We put Pepi to sleep; he was blind, deaf, and kept running into walls.” Unforgivable, indeed.
I enjoyed this trip down memory lane but think I’ll keep the rest of the episodes as cherished memories from my childhood. Unless I’m feeling adventurous tonight. Perhaps I’ll see if my husband wants to reenact scenes from “Dinky Hocker,” the tale of an overweight teen obsessed with food. “Well hello there Mister, I think your turkey drumstick would fit nicely in my self-cleaning oven.” Or maybe I’ll just skip the food innuendos altogether.
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In summary, revisiting ABC’s Afterschool Specials was a delightful jaunt through my childhood, complete with cringe-worthy moments and nostalgia. While some episodes remain timeless, I think I’ll leave the rest of them in the past—unless, of course, I’m feeling frisky.