Updated: Aug. 15, 2015
Originally Published: April 14, 2015
Welcome to the Era of the Douchebag! But don’t despair; wisdom from the past still holds value. The insights of those seasoned by life (let’s say over 40, and let’s not get into “40 is the new 30” nonsense) have been handed down from generations that valued genuine connections, civility, and the warm crackle of vinyl records.
So, let’s embrace this ancient wisdom and follow the Guidelines for Not Being a Douchebag:
- Thou Shalt Not Be a Know-It-All. If someone seeks your opinion, feel free to share it—but do so humbly. Being obnoxious doesn’t make you right; it merely reveals your inner douchebag.
- When You Encounter a Yield Sign, You Must Yield. The Traffic Elders placed these signs for a reason. Ignoring them signals to the world that you think you’re above everyone else—and you might just invite confrontation in a parking lot.
- If You Harm Your Children, Apologize. “Do as I say, not as I do” is the mantra of a true douchebag. By admitting your mistakes—especially to your children—you teach them accountability. Just today, I’ve had to apologize to my own child for my shortcomings.
- When Traveling Abroad, Don’t Act Superior. Expand your horizons with grace and respect. Remember, there are cultures with histories older than your own, and you’re representing your home. Don’t be a pompous emissary.
- Don’t Lend Out a Book That Was Borrowed by You. Seriously, you have a smartphone! Tracking down ownership on iBookshelf is a breeze, so return what’s mine.
- Refrain From Hanging Inappropriate Decorations. A novelty item like a ballsack from your truck hitch? Really? Just don’t.
- Verify Celebrity Death Notices Before Sharing. Take a mere five minutes to fact-check before reposting sensational news. Think for yourself—don’t follow the crowd blindly.
- Never Disrespect Women. There are only two types of men: Gentlemen and Douchebags. The rest—rich, poor, young, or old—are secondary categories. The commandment stands firm; don’t be a douchebag.
- Replace the Empty Toilet Paper Roll. If you’ve used the last of it, it’s now your responsibility. Learn to take action.
- Park Between the Lines. If you can’t manage this, perhaps your vehicle is too large or just too “douchebaggy.” Time for a change!
Now go forth and embrace these guidelines. Let’s make the world a better place—one non-douchebag at a time. For more insights on parenting and life, check out this resource for pregnancy and home insemination. And if you want to boost your fertility journey, here’s an excellent guide.
Summary:
This article offers humorous yet practical advice on how to avoid being a “douchebag” in everyday life. From yielding at traffic signs to treating women with respect, these guidelines encourage positive behavior and accountability. By following these principles, individuals can contribute to a more courteous society.