Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my son’s schoolwork. He’s your typical 9th grader: intelligent, analytical, and driven when the mood strikes him, but otherwise, a bit laid-back. His grades are decent—he even has a couple of A’s—but his organizational skills leave much to be desired. However, I realize they’re quite standard for his age.
This morning, I stumbled upon an article in The Atlantic urging parents to get more involved in their teens’ homework to help them develop essential organizational skills. This is contrary to what many educators suggest, who often encourage parents to step back. The author’s point is that schools might not be equipping students with these skills, and it’s crucial for their success in high school, college, and beyond.
The article resonated with me. I share the concern that kids, particularly boys, may miss out on learning these vital skills, as many teachers recognize the disorganized students but don’t necessarily intervene. One of my son’s teachers even mentioned to me, “He’s exceptionally bright but lacks student skills.” That’s true, but I haven’t checked in with the teacher to see if he’s providing any assistance.
I agree with the author that many kids lack the necessary skills for success—it’s a part of their development. Like her, I often ask my son if he has homework and how much he has, and I occasionally ensure that his computer screen isn’t solely occupied by social media. My son might call it nagging.
However, where I differ from the article’s perspective is in my belief that messages about responsibility often resonate better from sources outside the home. I concur with educators that it’s time for parents to loosen the reins, and I aspire to do just that. Of course, I want to be aware of my son’s academic situation, especially if poor grades indicate deeper issues like anxiety or substance use. But fundamentally, I think it’s vital for kids to take charge of their homework responsibilities, even if that leads to a disappointing grade. They need the freedom to understand what doesn’t work for them while the stakes are relatively low.
For context, we have high expectations regarding college, so grades certainly matter. My son is aware of their significance. Both my husband and I hold advanced degrees, and our daughter, a senior, has been fixated on college for years, with impressive organizational skills.
That said, I don’t enforce the same level of structure for my son as I do for his sister. I don’t force him to write his assignments on a whiteboard or impose restrictions if he fails to complete his homework. Admittedly, we aren’t grappling with failing grades, so I can’t speak to that. I’ve stopped discussing his grades on the online portal or pressuring him about incomplete assignments. We’re available to help him study, but if he declines, that’s his choice—I’ve given up on being the homework enforcer. When he expressed a desire for a planner this semester because “it might help to jot down my assignments,” I promptly got him one, but I haven’t checked if he’s actually using it.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe: we need to ease our anxiety over mediocre grades stemming from underdeveloped executive skills. Neuroscience indicates that the adolescent brain isn’t fully developed until the late twenties or even early thirties. Teenagers, especially ninth-grade boys, tend to be scattered just when parents start to worry more about grades. Despite this chaos, I think it’s essential for students to assume the responsibility of their homework. If they need help, fantastic; if not, that’s also fine. They are at an age where they should be accountable for their own decisions.
However, stepping back does require a long-term perspective. I don’t believe that poor high school grades carry the dire consequences many claim they do. Sure, low marks may hinder acceptance into prestigious colleges or even state universities. But that’s life.
Will I completely stop thinking about whether my son is managing his homework? Probably not. And knowing my tendencies, I’ll likely drop hints about study strategies in case he’s interested. Ultimately, I want him to appreciate the importance of homework for his future, rather than completing it just to earn privileges like video game time. I won’t be bringing out the whiteboard unless he asks me to.
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Summary
In navigating my son’s high school journey, I’ve come to realize that it’s important for him to take responsibility for his homework instead of me constantly hovering. While I still care about his grades, I believe in allowing him the space to learn from his mistakes. This shift in approach reflects my belief in fostering independence and personal accountability in his academic life.