There are moments when I find myself stuck in a cycle of questioning—wondering, “Why me?” Why did my marriage collapse? Statistically, it shouldn’t have. We were together for three years before I said yes to engagement. I waited until I was 27 to marry and had my first child at 31. Both of us held college degrees and enjoyed successful careers. All of these factors typically suggest a lower likelihood of divorce. Yet, here I am, part of the statistic.
They say the divorce rate is around 50 percent, but in my social circle, that number feels much smaller. I have one divorced friend, and our bond formed through our shared experiences. The journey through upper-middle-class divorce can feel isolating.
Okay, my marriage didn’t last. Life happens. But then I spiral into the “why me?” thoughts about dealing with an ex who seems to thrive on anger and vindictiveness. I hear tales of ex-husbands who prioritize their children’s well-being, assisting with chores and attending events, all while maintaining respect for their former partners. Why doesn’t my ex even acknowledge my presence? Why does he go out of his way to hurt me? Why did he take me to court, forcing me to spend my savings just to secure basic support?
Yes, why me? This line of thinking leads to a lot of self-blame. Deep down, I know that feeling like a victim isn’t part of who I am.
What mistakes did I make? Where did I veer off course? What’s wrong with me? The truth is, we all have our flaws. We’re human, and that means making mistakes—lots of them. There’s no magic pill or meditation technique that can erase our humanity. Believe me, I’ve tried various methods, to no avail.
I’ve realized that the answer lies in embracing radical self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. They say that if you desire something, you should share it abundantly. So, in moments of “why me,” I focus on forgiving my ex-husband. It may sound odd, but I need forgiveness in my life, and if that means offering it, then so be it.
This act of forgiveness extends beyond him. I think about the friendships I lost during the divorce—those who only know a fragment of the story but still choose to judge me. Friends who distanced themselves due to my choices, neighbors who took sides. I strive to forgive them as well. They act out of ignorance, just as I have at times.
The lessons learned through this experience have been transformative, often in beautiful ways. I’ve become a better version of myself compared to who I was during my marriage. I am more patient, kinder, calmer, more peaceful, empathetic, stronger, and wiser than ever. When I focus on these attributes, I begin to think, “Why not me?” I deserve this growth and strength, born from shedding the armor I wore to survive my marriage. I’m grateful to be free from a partner who never championed my journey.
This shift in perspective is profound. It requires daily practice. Every time the “why me” thoughts creep in, I consciously replace them with “why NOT me?” I remind myself of all the reasons I am truly fortunate. I deserve happiness. I deserve a life filled with love. I’ve endured hardships and emerged stronger, leaving behind the parts of me that no longer serve my growth.
And so does he. And so do we all.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Lisa Miller explores her journey through divorce, sharing how she transformed her initial feelings of victimhood into radical self-love and forgiveness. By reframing her perspective from “why me?” to “why not me?” she embraces personal growth and resilience. This shift allows her to focus on the positive changes in her life and acknowledge the strength she’s gained through adversity.