Parenting
By Emma Wright
Updated: Dec. 14, 2023
Originally Published: April 29, 2015
In the winter of 2005, I experienced the heartbreaking stillbirth of my second child during my third trimester. At that time, I had a lively toddler who was nearly three years old. Reflecting on that winter, one of the most challenging tasks my partner and I faced was explaining to our young son that the baby he had been eagerly awaiting would not be joining our family.
As parents, we often feel an instinctive urge to protect our children from painful truths. The concept of losing an infant is unfathomable, and the reality of pregnancy loss can be both abstract and deeply sorrowful. Families grappling with this grief typically have very young children, which may further intensify the desire to shield them from the harshness of loss. However, avoiding open conversations about pregnancy and infant loss can have unintended consequences, regardless of the good intentions behind the silence. Sadly, this topic remains largely stigmatized, even though 1 in 4 pregnancies results in miscarriage, and around 50,000 infants are stillborn or die within their first month of life in the U.S. each year.
Pregnancy and infant loss touch upon the notion of ambiguous loss, which affects both children and adults. Ambiguous loss encompasses experiences that are not as easily defined as traditional losses, such as a miscarriage. As noted in research, “the relationship is not recognized, the loss is not acknowledged, or the griever is not perceived as one with permission to grieve.” Children experiencing this kind of loss might find it hard to articulate their feelings and may feel isolated or bewildered.
Approaching the Conversation
One of the significant hurdles in discussing pregnancy and infant loss with children is that there is no single correct way to approach the conversation. Different ages and personalities within a family may require varied methods of communication. Pediatrician Dr. Andrew Simmons emphasizes, “No one knows your child better than you do, and, in many ways, no one knows you better than your child. While it’s tempting to hide your emotions and present a brave face, children can sense your sadness. They often have insights into your feelings that others may not perceive. Allowing them to share in your grief can be part of their healing process.”
It’s important to remember that you don’t need to delve into exhaustive details. Dr. Simmons advises that “children often compartmentalize distressing news. They may revisit it repeatedly to process what they don’t fully understand.” Allow your child to guide the pace of these discussions.
Furthermore, maintaining a strong parent-child connection can provide comfort to both parties. If you find yourself needing a break, accepting help from friends and family can be invaluable. Children may also require reassurance about their own well-being and that of their parents during this challenging time. Be mindful of not unintentionally distancing them and seek pediatric help if their anxiety becomes overwhelming.
Engaging with Your Child’s Feelings
Engaging with your child’s processing is crucial. Dr. Simmons notes, “For toddlers and preschoolers, the line between imagination and reality is often blurred. Your child might express that they miss the baby, as their concept of that baby was very real to them. Support them as they navigate their feelings.” In this way, the grieving process for both parent and child can be intertwined.
During that painful yet poignant winter, I remember lying on the floor, playing with my son. The intimacy we shared was profound. I often reflect on that winter when life and loss coexisted, each vying for understanding. The raw pain of my loss was juxtaposed with the joyous presence of my son, who was engrossed in play.
As parents, we have a strong desire to fix things. When faced with tragedy, we seek to explain or remedy the situation, or at the very least, remain steadfast. After my stillbirth, our pediatrician offered invaluable advice that resonates with me to this day: establish two or three non-negotiable rules for parenting, such as bedtime, screen time, or sugar consumption. He advised, “From there, you can be flexible about the rest.” This guidance encouraged us to be gentle with ourselves and create a sense of clarity amidst the chaos.
Defining a couple of key parenting principles post-loss fosters meaningful discussions between partners about priorities and boundaries. In overwhelming times, these agreed-upon rules can serve as a grounding force.
Continuing the Conversation
Nearly a decade later, the threads of ambiguous loss continue to connect us as a family. My children often ask about their brother whom they never met. They are not necessarily sad or frightened; rather, they are intrigued and curious about the life he could have had. We each experience his absence differently, yet together we navigate our shared loss, wonder, and resilience.
For more insights on navigating the topic of pregnancy loss within families, be sure to check out this related post. Additionally, for those exploring home insemination, this guide offers valuable information. You can also refer to this resource for comprehensive details on IVF and related topics.
Summary
Talking to children about pregnancy and infant loss can be challenging but is essential for their understanding and healing. Approaching the conversation with openness, empathy, and age-appropriate honesty can help children process their feelings and feel included in the family’s journey through grief. Establishing simple parenting rules can also create a sense of stability during difficult times.