Marriage can be a challenging journey. Eleven years into my first (and hopefully last) marriage, I’m starting to understand its complexities. Some days feel like a struggle, while others make me feel incredibly fortunate. It truly embodies what everyone says: it demands hard work, relies on trust, resembles both a marathon and a sprint, and is undoubtedly worth the effort. As my ever-patient partner likes to remind me, “This is optional, you know?” (Translation: “Get your act together, or I’m out of here.”)
Whether you’re happily married, recently separated, or contemplating tying the knot, reliable advice can be a game-changer. I’m not here to dispense marital wisdom, but I’d love to share five simple rules that my partner, Jake, and I have cultivated over the years. These have helped us navigate through ups and downs, including those awkward couch-sleeping nights.
1. The IKEA Revelation: Embrace Your Strengths
Early in our relationship, Jake and I embarked on a trip to IKEA, which was far from his idea of a good time. After an hour of exploring endless home displays, we became irritable. We had two tasks: 1) pack a disassembled lamp and 2) find a tiny item somewhere in the vast warehouse. As I struggled with the lamp, Jake stood frozen, hesitant to ask for assistance. Frustrated, I urged him to seek help, while he questioned my struggle with the lamp. In that moment, clarity struck: I handed him the box, and he expertly packed the lamp away. I flagged down a staff member for the info we needed. This led us to establish our roles: I handle communication, while he manages logistics. Crisis averted, relationship saved.
2. The Toilet Paper Principle: Stay Attentive
If your partner seems to believe that essential supplies magically appear at home, this one’s for you. We’ll refer to you as the “toilet-paperer” and your spouse as the “toilet-paperee.” In every marriage, one partner usually pays more attention to the minutiae of daily life. If that’s you, don’t keep score. Avoid hiding the last roll of toilet paper to see how long it takes your partner to notice. Do you really want to explain to your kids that you split over a roll of toilet paper? Just buy what’s necessary, take pride in caring for your family, and let it go. And if you’re the toilet-paperee, be grateful, and try to be more attentive to the small stuff.
3. Deciding What’s Worth Fighting For
The most intense argument Jake and I had revolved around the game show “Deal or No Deal.” Picture 2 a.m., both of us shouting, throwing around the “D” word (not doughnuts—divorce), and hurling insults. It was a spectacle. The disagreement was ridiculous, but it wasn’t really about the game show; it reflected deeper issues we were too upset to address directly. We learned the hard way that it’s essential to identify the actual problem rather than getting caught up in trivial disputes.
4. The 90/10 Rule: Focus on the Positive
There’s likely far more good in your relationship than bad, yet we often fixate on the 10% that isn’t perfect. Flipping this perspective can transform your outlook. This simple shift in focus can significantly improve your relationship.
5. The Go to Bed Mad Rule: It’s Okay to Be Upset
Trust me, it’s better to go to bed feeling angry than to wear yourself out trying to resolve everything late at night. The exhaustion can lead to regrettable words. Instead, allow yourself to feel angry, reflect on it, and address it when both partners are more rested and clear-headed. Sometimes anger signals investment in the relationship—just make sure to address the real issue rather than simply smoothing things over to get some rest.
If you’re contemplating joining your life with someone else, consider these insights from our experiences. Remember, marriage isn’t about being right or wrong; it’s about finding common ground. And for any couples navigating their journey, resources like this one can be invaluable. You might also find guidance on this blog or explore this informative article for additional support.
Summary
Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs. Embracing each other’s strengths, staying attentive to the little things, knowing what fights are worth having, focusing on the positive aspects, and allowing space for anger can greatly enhance any partnership.