It took considerable time before I felt comfortable sharing my address with my partner. When he finally visited, his immediate reaction was telling—he noticed the arsenal around my home. “Wow,” he remarked, “you have a lot of weapons.”
Indeed, my living space is filled with items that could double as tools of defense. A baseball bat rests by the staircase, a Taser is nestled in my handbag, and I even keep a knife in the shower. While I believe that violence isn’t the answer, it does hold a different meaning when it comes to confronting an unstable individual who has threatened your life.
It has been a year since I faced my abusive ex in court. On August 20, 2022, the judge deemed him “calculated and deceptive,” justifying my decision to end our relationship after he stalked me and shared intimate photos of me with colleagues. Exactly one year earlier, on August 20, 2021, I had been granted a restraining order against him. The irony of the same date, a year apart, is not lost on me.
Standing My Ground
I won’t deny that witnessing someone receive their due consequences can bring a sense of satisfaction. However, that was never my goal. At every juncture, I offered him a chance to walk away. I ended the relationship, changed my number, relocated, and pleaded with him to stop—yet he persisted. Eventually, you realize that simply altering your life isn’t enough to deter someone intent on causing you harm. You must find the courage to defend yourself.
My ex chose to corner me, and I decided to reclaim my power, striding forward as everything he built crumbled. His 25-year career? Gone. His prospects for retirement? Erased. Relationships? Disintegrated. Respect? Lost.
In the grand tapestry of life, he will fade into oblivion. But for him, I was the iceberg to his Titanic, and there weren’t enough lifeboats to save him.
Finding My Peace
It’s been two years, yet I still grapple with the fear that he might come for me. Each time I wash my face, a flicker of anxiety washes over me; I feel as though I’m in a thriller, expecting him to appear in the mirror. Every creak in the house sounds like an intrusion, every moment of stillness feels like a prelude to chaos.
After the breakup, sleep eluded me. I would wake in the dead of night, heart racing, convinced he was lurking nearby. I’d find myself crouched by my bed, repeating mantras like “you are okay, you are safe, he is not here, you won.”
Reclaiming Sleep
It would be wonderful if fear were a distant memory, and perhaps one day it will be. A piece of paper won’t shield you, but taking action—escaping a dangerous situation and refusing to be mistreated—can certainly help. Surviving an abusive relationship leaves scars, but I wear mine proudly as evidence of my resilience.
Initially, I was plagued with guilt for having ever said yes to him, for staying, for everything he did to me. However, I’ve learned that healing doesn’t have to be immediate. You can acknowledge your pain and still choose to act like the empowered person you aspire to be. Over time, that strength will manifest.
Finding Humor Amidst the Darkness
To quote Maya Angelou, “I wouldn’t trade my journey for anything.” If I hadn’t experienced this, I wouldn’t have developed the fierce resolve to live life on my terms. I’ve learned that it’s okay to look at certain experiences and simply say, “no thanks.”
Nothing is more liberating than finding laughter in dark times. For example, who wouldn’t find it a bit humorous that an attorney tried to argue in court that I deserved abuse because of my red hair and a passport full of stamps? And the awkward silence in the courtroom when I mentioned my dad’s penchant for watching gay porn? Priceless!
One and two years later, I’m still navigating through fear and shame, but I’ve gleaned valuable lessons. We can stumble into difficult situations, make poor choices, and be hurt by others—but that’s not the end. We can change, stop, grow, and rewrite our narratives. If your story doesn’t resonate with you, throw in a plot twist.
If you’re interested in exploring more about the journey of self-empowerment, check out this post on our blog. Also, for those considering family planning, Make A Mom offers excellent resources on home insemination. Additionally, the CDC provides valuable information on pregnancy and related topics.
In summary, while the journey of healing from abuse is fraught with challenges, it’s also a path toward empowerment and self-discovery. Embrace the journey, find humor in the dark, and remember that your story is yours to rewrite.