Mother’s Day doesn’t require grand gestures for me. A few heartfelt kisses from my little ones and a handmade card, even if it looks like it was crafted by a toddler, would be enough to fill my heart. Still, it’s fun to dream a little, so here are some things I’d love to receive this Mother’s Day:
- A wine tap. Imagine having wine flow like beer right at home!
- Five minutes of uninterrupted solitude—three-and-a-half would do in a pinch.
- Gwyneth Paltrow tattooing “I’m better than you” on her forehead. It just seems fitting, right?
- A delivery truck filled with Magnum caramel ice cream bars parked conveniently in my driveway.
- Celebrities to quit spreading misinformation about science, especially vaccines. Seriously, can we let the doctors handle that?
- Chubby midsections making a comeback—Renaissance style!
- A dedicated font for sarcasm. I need this in my life.
- A “you-know-what-you-can-do-with-that” font for when words just don’t cut it.
- A Facebook filter that blocks all the momtrepreneur ads. I’ve got enough face cream and candles, thank you!
- Women embracing their wrinkles. Let’s make facial expressions fashionable again!
- Heels that don’t feel like I’m walking on stilts. Is this too much to ask?
- A simple “thank you” every now and then.
- Cake that actually burns fat. Why is this not a thing?
- Childless folks doling out parenting advice—maybe keep it to yourself, huh?
- Legalizing sleeping pills for toddlers. Come on, this is a no-brainer!
- A robot that collects toys at night and hides them. See above!
- Extra-large diaper wipes—think paper towel size—bonus if they smell like fresh linen.
- A cartoon designed solely to teach kids the art of silence. How has no one thought of this yet?
- A cleaning service. My grandmother would definitely approve from above.
- The creation of a weight-loss plan centered around wine and Goldfish crackers. I’d be all in!
- A Twitter filter that mutes those who talk about working out instead of coffee in the morning. Who are these people?
- Gisele Bundchen gaining 75 pounds. Enough said.
- Wealthy moms to stop lamenting how hard motherhood is. It can be tough, but let’s keep it in perspective.
- A foot massage that lasts longer than a minute and a half. Why even bother offering?
- A memoir titled, “My Descent Out Of Hell – Tales of a Former Tiger Mom.”
- Research proving that moms who drink moderately and swear have the happiest kids. It could happen, right?
- Know-it-all parents need to stop writing open letters to others criticizing their parenting. Enough is enough!
- The ability to rock white jeans without fear. I know, it’s impractical with two little ones, but a girl can dream.
- To never see another list of “what not to say” to a pregnant woman or a new mom. It’s overwhelming!
- Women who have children in their late thirties should be celebrated as “smart and ready,” not “advanced maternal age.” Who are you calling old?
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In summary, Mother’s Day can be filled with simple joys and a bit of humor about the challenges of motherhood. Whether it’s a wine tap or just a few moments of peace, every mom has her unique wish list.