Updated: Aug. 20, 2015
Originally Published: May 11, 2015
Dear Shapewear,
We had a pact, and honestly, you’re not living up to your end of the deal. You were supposed to be my trusted ally for tightening, smoothing, and shaping. Sure, I’ve added a few pounds, but you’re designed with built-in stretch. You should be able to accommodate a couple extra slices of pizza and chocolate, right? It’s not as if this was a surprise! Your entire purpose is to assist those of us who find it hard to keep fit and to help us hold it together. I bought you in my size when I was that size, but now I find myself on the other side of the scale. It’s only a little extra—just about 10 pounds (okay, maybe the dreaded freshman 15)—and yet here we are, and it feels like a deal-breaker.
- Remember that time I wore you for my daughter’s communion? I had the most beautiful dress, but let’s be honest, I had gained a few (fine, a lot) of pounds since my last fitting. I opted for the all-in-one dress option from Assets, your less pricey cousin, because $80 for something that’s never seen is just too steep for my budget. Well, I just reviewed the pictures. You didn’t really perform your job. I look like I’m five months pregnant.
- And let’s not forget that delightful moment in church when you decided to roll up like a window shade! Sitting there, your Lycra gave up and rolled up my legs, settling right around my backside. There I was, desperately trying to adjust my outfit in a pew—while people around me likely thought I was doing something entirely different. What a way to add a new layer to the Alleluia.
- Then there was that black jumpsuit incident at my kid’s fundraiser. I made a questionable choice, but I felt amazing. However, I found myself trapped in the shapewear while trying to use the restroom. Picture this: me in a stall, wrestling with the all-in-one jumpsuit. Once I managed to wrestle off the top, I was still contending with the bottom shapewear which had climbed up to my ribs. I had no idea I possessed such strength! And of course, the lady next door was having her own bathroom emergency, adding to the chaos.
- Another time, I found myself stuck in my shapewear tank top after a long day. There I was in my closet, battling the clingy fabric that decided to hug every curve. Panic set in and I seriously considered getting scissors. Eventually, I managed to free myself, but not before I truly understood the meaning of claustrophobia.
- The final straw came the other night when I had to ask my husband to help me out of my Spanx top because I was seriously trapped and starting to panic. Talk about ruining the illusion of sexiness I’ve spent years cultivating! It’s safe to say he’s not convinced I have any left now.
So, thank you, Shapewear/Assets or whatever you want to call yourself. You’ve brought me embarrassment and panic, along with countless bathroom catastrophes that I won’t forget anytime soon. If I could just shed 20 pounds, I’d happily kick your constricting self to the curb.
P.S. I know that sizing up might solve my problem, but I’m not pouring any more money into you. After all, I expect to be back to my original size soon.
Thanks for your lackluster support.
Sincerely,
Me
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Summary:
This humorous account outlines the frustrations of dealing with shapewear, detailing embarrassing moments and mishaps that arise from the struggle of fitting into clothing while managing weight fluctuations. The author expresses a desire to regain her previous size while acknowledging the challenges shapewear has introduced into her life.