Today, I find myself feeling large.
Today, I am caught in a web of negative thoughts.
Today, my weight feels like an anchor, dragging me down. I can sense its weight, pressing against me, threatening to overwhelm.
Today, I am acutely aware of the friction between my thighs, the place where they rub together as I stride.
None of my clothes fit comfortably; they cling too tightly, accentuating all the wrong areas…and honestly, today all the areas feel wrong.
Today, I glance in the mirror and see a reflection that mocks me—the one who whispers that I am not enough.
Food feels like an adversary. Each bite seems to expand my waistline and cloud my thoughts.
And, oh, how I despise this cycle. I loathe counting calories obsessively in my head. I dislike pinching my skin and scrutinizing it with my fingers. The act of dressing—and undressing—is a dreaded chore. I hate feeling unworthy and repulsive.
Today, I want to retreat.
In the past, I would have hidden away on days like this. I would have let my emotions dictate my choices, skipping meals and doubling my workout routine. Facing the day would have felt impossible. I would have succumbed to the darkness of my thoughts. I would have vanished.
But this is not the past; this is now. And now, I have you—my spirited, delightful, beautiful little boys. You remind me of the value in every fleeting moment. You pull me back from the seductive shadows of despair.
Now, I bask in the light.
So today, I will not hide.
I will slip into a pair of comfy sweats and appreciate the elastic waist as it rests against the scar that tells the story of my journey. I will celebrate that scar and the two miraculous beings that came from it.
I won’t deprive myself. Instead, I’ll invite you to help me bake cookies, and we’ll laugh as we sneak bites of dough and lick the beaters clean. I’ll wipe flour from your cheeks and enjoy the sweetness of chocolate chips you feed me. No fleeting moment of joy will be tainted by guilt today.
I will look in the mirror and smile at the woman you call “Mom.” I will allow her worth and pride to shine, overshadowing the negative image that once stood there, haunting me.
I will bounce you on my legs and give you piggyback rides. I’ll toss you into the air, spinning to our favorite tune. I’ll dip you during the chorus, delighting in your infectious laughter and the way your hair brushes my face when I pull you close. I will be grateful for a body that is capable of playing with you.
My weight? It’s trivial. I carry it lightly.
But you? You are my universe. You are a weight I cherish, a burden I willingly embrace.
Today, I may feel heavy, and some days are harder than others. I am still on my path to healing, and I have moments of doubt.
Yet, I will also embrace happiness, gratitude, and the feeling of being enough.
Because I have you.
Thank you for illuminating my world.
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