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Being Thin Didn’t Bring Me Joy, But Being ‘Curvy’ Does
Let me share a little secret with you. The girl in that photo on the left? That’s me, just a few years back.
This snapshot was taken at the lake, just two months shy of my 35th birthday. At that moment, I was at my smallest since my teenage years. After snapping this photo, I went to J.Crew to buy some khaki pants, requesting a size 8. The helpful associate suggested I was more like a size 4. I appreciated her kindness but insisted on the 8, which ended up falling off me. At 123 pounds, I was at my lightest since I was 15 years old. Yet, when I looked at that photo, I thought I looked heavy.
Fast forward to today: Here’s a more recent pic of me, taken just two months ago, four months after turning 40, surrounded by my five children. I definitely resemble a mom in this one.
My weight has fluctuated over the years—sometimes up, sometimes down. It’s been like a roller coaster ride, and not the fun kind either. This is what happens when you’re navigating the theme park of motherhood: breastfeeding, balancing nursing school with work, and the ongoing love-hate relationship with exercise.
I achieved the look in the “after” photo through a combination of loss and gain—losing a sweet baby girl, navigating marriage and divorce, moving homes, dealing with injuries, and caring for countless babies as a labor and delivery nurse, while also assisting individuals in hospice care.
The body that many would call “fit” came at a hefty price: I restricted myself to a mere 1,000 calories daily, spent 35 miles a week running, and averaged just three hours of sleep each night. I meticulously counted everything I ate, logging my weight daily, and turned my hospital staircases into my gym, all while sacrificing my health.
Are you confused? You might be wondering where I’m headed with this. I can anticipate a few reactions:
- “Wow, you looked AMAZING back then. What happened?”
- “How did you end up weighing that much?”
- “Why does the ‘after’ photo look worse? That’s not supposed to happen.”
Some may even label me as overweight. Others might say, “You look happy and healthy.”
And you know what? I am both.
I want to smash the stereotype that surrounds weight. It’s nonsense. Being thin did not guarantee my happiness. Having a six-pack was just that—a six-pack. Being a size 4 made shopping easier and turned heads, but it also led to obsessive thoughts about my body.
I became fixated on workouts, on squeezing gym time between caring for my little ones and working long shifts. I was constantly Googling calorie counts and forced myself to eat foods I detested (hello, rice cakes) while avoiding my favorites (cake!). All of this led to a thinner me, but it never brought happiness.
Happiness isn’t contingent upon being thin, nor does being curvy automatically imply sadness. Of course, not all thin individuals are unhappy, but being thin is not: A. A solution for sadness or B. A promise of happiness.
I’ve been mulling over these thoughts for weeks, and a recent post I read encouraged me to finally share my story. We need more voices to break through the noise of weight-loss pills, quick-fix diets, and unnecessary surgeries.
After changes in my medication for bipolar disorder, I’ve gained ten more pounds since that last photo was taken. Many of my clothes no longer fit, which can be discouraging; I’m not going to pretend that squeezing into too-tight jeans is enjoyable. It’s a lot like packing a sausage.
However, I’ve noticed profound changes—not just in my body, but in my mindset. I’ve discovered a sense of peace and joy that I never had before. That feeling is worth way more than ten pounds.
I’m happy. I’m curvy, and I’m happy.
Want to really surprise others? Try this: Be curvy and joyous. Wear that bikini with confidence. Indulge in pizza and ice cream, and savor every bite. Live fully, enjoy a glass of wine, and don’t apologize for it.
Society wants you to strive for thinness, creating entire industries built on your insecurities. They’re misleading. The narrative that thin equals beautiful and happy is a lie. However, beauty can come in all shapes and sizes.
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Summary:
This article discusses the author’s journey with body image, emphasizing that happiness is not tied to being thin. The narrative reflects on the challenges of achieving a certain body type through unhealthy means and highlights the newfound joy in embracing a curvier body. The piece encourages readers to reject societal pressures regarding weight and to find happiness in their bodies, regardless of size.