Finding a dependable lady groomer is way harder than selecting a gynecologist. I don’t find it awkward when doctors examine my intimate areas; that feels clinical. Sure, there’s some metallic poking involved while a nurse stands by, but at least I have a paper gown to cover up. My doctor even drapes a little paper sheet over my legs like he’s some sort of Wizard of Womanhood. It’s great because it lets me avoid analyzing his facial expressions—whether he’s smirking, frowning, or looking terrified. Once, when he asked if he could bring in interns to observe, I cheerfully replied, “Sure! The more, the merrier!” That’s how little I care.
But a visit to the waxer is a whole different story. Without the white coat, stethoscope, or fancy degree, the atmosphere shifts dramatically. When you find yourself lying on a table with no pants on, waiting for someone in jeans and a t-shirt to get up close and personal with your bikini area, it feels less clinical and more like a peep show. Even if they wear cute pink scrubs, I know they don’t have a medical background. I could buy my own scrubs, wear them daily, but that doesn’t qualify me to perform a colonoscopy.
So, finding someone I trust and feel comfortable with is crucial. After trying several groomers, I finally discovered one I adored. She was skilled, the pain was minimal, and our chit-chat made the whole experience enjoyable. I often forgot the awkwardness while we exchanged laughs during the session. But one fateful day, I received the dreaded news: she had taken a new job. A better job that didn’t involve dealing with my lady parts. She was off to become a hairstylist, moving up in the world while I was left to navigate a turbulent sea of new groomers.
It felt like a breakup, and suddenly I was “dating” again, with every first encounter requiring a personal examination of my intimate areas. My first “rebound” waxer was a silent type. Not just quiet, but completely mute. The room was devoid of music, and as I lay there, exposed and vulnerable, the silence was so intense I could practically hear every single hair falling. This kind of awkwardness is not my style—I thrive on conversation and laughter. I crave silly jokes and even the occasional inventive curse when the wax gets a little too intense.
Unfortunately, this new girl wasn’t having any of that. To make matters worse, she had hair that could rival Cher’s in the ’60s. And when someone with hair that long is working in your intimate area, it inevitably starts to dangle. I’ll be candid: having someone’s hair hovering around your pubic region can lead to some confusing feelings. To compensate, I tried to visualize a long-haired guy down there, but all that came to mind were images of Fabio and Steven Tyler, which only made me gag. And just when I thought I could make peace with these unusual thoughts, I panicked at the idea of her hair getting stuck in the wax, leaving us forever bonded in the most awkward way possible.
The silence continued to stretch as my mind spiraled into overdrive. Normally, when someone is so close to your private parts, you’d want distractions—a conversation, a catchy song, anything! I found myself longing for my old waxer, missing her funny banter and the cheesy ’70s love songs she used to play. Those little things took my mind off the fact that I was having hair removed at a follicular level.
In a moment of desperation, I glanced at the ceiling and spotted a water stain that, humorously, looked like a vagina. I laughed out loud, hoping to break the tension, but there was no response. No laughter, just silence. My old waxer would’ve found that funny; she would’ve understood me. I miss her terribly. If you happen to see her, please let her know I’m looking for her. I shouldn’t be hard to spot—I’ll be the one resembling a chia pet in a bikini or a potential Bigfoot sighting due to my untamed hair situation.
As a child, I dreamed of appearing on television, envisioning something akin to a musical or a comedy show. I never imagined my debut would revolve around my overgrown hair situation. Some dreams are a bit more unusual than others!
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In summary, finding a good lady groomer can feel like an endless quest, filled with awkward encounters and unexpected challenges. Losing a trusted groomer is like going through a breakup, and navigating a new one can be a daunting experience. The right vibe and connection can make all the difference, transforming what could be an uncomfortable situation into a lighthearted and enjoyable one.