“Every so often, I find myself plagued by fleeting thoughts of harm towards my baby. It’s like a quick flash in my mind that lasts barely a heartbeat. Sometimes, I’m the one causing the harm, while other times it’s a distant figure. My partner reassures me, saying it’s simply a manifestation of my baby’s vulnerability that triggers these unsettling images. But I know part of it stems from feeling overwhelmed—not just by her constant demands but also by the immense love I feel for her. Thankfully, being an older mother means I don’t panic easily. I’ve set a boundary on these dark thoughts, allowing myself just a couple each day. Exceed that, and it’s off to the doctor for some assistance.” — Julia Martin, inspired by Anne Enright’s memoir, Making Babies.
A Night of Exhaustion
One particularly exhausting night, when my first baby was just six weeks old, she cried and cried without pause. I tried everything—swaddling, rocking, nursing, singing, changing her diaper when it was dry, even swapping out her clothes in case a tag was bothering her. Nothing worked; the cries continued.
I was utterly and completely drained. I mean, SO. FREAKING. TIRED. Just when I thought she might be settling, and I’d finally lie down with her, I’d be jolted awake by her piercing wails.
In that moment, I felt something shift within me, like a crack forming in glass. For just a heartbeat, all my maternal instincts seemed to vanish.
And in that fleeting thought, I envisioned tossing her out the window. I could picture the motion perfectly: swinging my arm back, the force propelling her forward, the weight of my sweet baby leaving my grasp. I could almost hear her cries fade as she fell.
It was an instantaneous vision—barely a second long—but it shook me to my core. What was wrong with me? Was this a sign of postpartum psychosis? Was I unfit to be a mother? Had I made a terrible mistake?
I burst into tears and immediately called my mom. I couldn’t bring myself to share my shocking thought; I felt too ashamed. Instead, I told her about the incessant crying and my overwhelming fatigue, hoping to mask my feelings of inadequacy. She listened patiently, then recounted a night when my brother wouldn’t stop crying. “All I wanted to do was toss him out the window,” she said.
I gasped, then laughed and cried simultaneously, as only a sleep-deprived parent can. My mom? My steadfast, nurturing mother, had experienced a similar dark thought? This was normal? I was not alone?
She went on to give me permission to set the baby down and step away. “Take a deep breath. Go outside if you need to so you can’t hear her,” she advised.
Her understanding and advice were a lifeline. I had read countless articles on nurturing and the importance of responding to a crying baby. It had never occurred to me that sometimes, despite our best efforts, there’s nothing we can do. Babies cry for reasons that often remain a mystery, and as mere mortals, the relentless sound can chip away at our sanity.
Receiving the permission from my wonderfully supportive mother was perhaps the most valuable gift a new parent could ask for. I’ve since discovered that these frightening thoughts of motherhood arise more often than I’d anticipated. Even though I was raised in a nurturing environment and never faced physical punishment, there are moments when frustration bubbles up.
Children have a unique ability to push your buttons—crying, whining, and arguing in ways that can test even the calmest of parents. It’s crucial to recognize that a Terrible Mothering Thought does not equate to a Terrible Mothering Act. I know I would never actually throw my baby out the window, nor would I harm my spirited child in any way. But those thoughts do pop into my mind from time to time. I’ve learned not to judge myself for them and to let them pass.
You Are Not Alone
If you find yourself grappling with similar feelings, know that you’re not alone. Many parents have these thoughts but rarely discuss them. While some extreme feelings may require professional help, it’s common to experience occasional dark thoughts. It’s beneficial to share these feelings with others; we all need reminders that we are not alone in this journey.
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Summary
This piece explores the overwhelming thoughts many new parents experience, particularly concerning fleeting images of harm towards their babies. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing that having dark thoughts does not mean one will act on them and highlights the value of support from loved ones. By sharing these experiences, parents can feel less isolated in their struggles.