Consider this a fair warning: you might want to put down your snack before diving into this.
When you embark on the journey of pregnancy, most conversations with seasoned parents revolve around the joys of parenthood. Love, sunshine, laughter, and heartwarming moments abound. What often goes unspoken, however, is that motherhood can be genuinely, shockingly gross—more than you might ever imagine. Some experiences I share may not be your reality, but let’s be honest: you will likely encounter something equally cringe-worthy that no one could ever predict.
The Arrival of Your Little One
Let’s kick things off with the arrival of your little one. Whether you’re bringing your baby into the world through natural childbirth or a C-section, the experience isn’t exactly glamorous. I’ll spare you the graphic details; you can find that info if you seek it out.
What’s harder to prepare for is what happens after childbirth. For instance, expect a gruesome aftermath that resembles a crime scene for several days. You’ll be dealing with adult diapers every few hours for up to a week—not due to incontinence (though that can happen), but because postpartum recovery can get pretty messy.
And when you find yourself in the shower two days post-delivery, and a bloody blob the size of a racquetball drops down unexpectedly? Yep, that’s just a part of the process. I wish I were joking (and I speak from experience here).
The Reality of Diaper Changes
But just when you think it’s all worthwhile while gazing at your adorable newborn—who smells like an angel—reality hits. Your first 2 a.m. diaper change can turn into a bright yellow poop explosion that decorates your bed, clean diaper, pajamas, and, oh yes, even your hair. Then, as soon as you think you’ve cleaned up the mess, the little one does it all over again.
Or picture this: you’re on a picturesque road trip through the mountains when your toddler suddenly begins to vomit all over her car seat. It’s hot, there’s nowhere to stop, and you realize you’ve left the diaper bag—complete with baby wipes and a change of clothes—sitting at home by the front door.
For those of you who haven’t experienced this yet, let me assure you: you WILL get vomited on. It’s not a question of if, but rather when. And I’m not just talking about the occasional baby spit-up. I mean full-on, big-kid vomit that comes with bile and a hint of last night’s dinner, all over your pajamas at 3 a.m. (I can’t guarantee it will happen to you, but it makes me feel better to think it happens to everyone. Remember, we’re all in this together.)
More Messy Moments
And here’s another gem: occasionally, your toddler may get constipated and require your, ahem, assistance—manually. Yep, you read that right.
What about the 2-year-old who takes it upon himself to be an independent pooper, only to get up too early and leave a mess on the bathroom floor? He might even step in it and track it all the way up the carpeted stairs to proudly announce his achievement while you’re brushing your teeth.
We’re just getting started; motherhood is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. If you’re particularly squeamish, I hope your partner is not. If you both share a weak stomach, one of you will have to toughen up. In my household, that turned out to be me. I’m the one who gets vomited on and has to clean up the poop from undies and carpets. Lucky me, right?
Unfortunately, the grossness doesn’t stop with babies and toddlers. I naively thought the messy phase would end after potty training, but it continues. One of my kids went through a phase of picking her nose and wiping it on her pillow at night. I’d discover dried-up boogers all over the pillowcase when I changed the sheets. I thought this was an isolated incident until I heard about a cousin’s son who asked if she wanted to see his “booger forest” next to his bed. Delightful, isn’t it?
If you think that’s bad, let me tell you about a mom who discovered her son’s closet reeking of urine. Upon inspection, she found a collection of Dixie cups half-filled with, you guessed it, pee. He claimed it was part of a “science experiment.” Ever wonder what happens to pee when it sits for days? It gelatinizes. That’s right—stinky, gelatinized pee cups hidden in the closet. Kids can be a hundred kinds of disgusting.
The Boys and Their Mess
And while I’m not trying to stereotype, boys and bathrooms can be a particularly nasty combination. No matter how much you teach them to aim, they often fall short—literally. One day, after a barbecue with friends, our upstairs bathroom looked like it had been sprayed with pee. No exaggeration. There was pee everywhere—on the floor, walls, vanity, and even in the bathtub. Boys + pee = a messy disaster.
I know of two brothers who thought it would be hilarious to pee on each other’s toothbrushes as a prank. My husband assures me that he never did such things as a child. But clearly, some kids find it amusing. Oh, and let’s not forget the infamous pee sword fights. Yes, those are real.
And we have a younger family member who once peed in a showroom toilet. He urgently needed to go, and the toilet was right there. As mortifying as it was for his parents, it’s a funny story now that he’s older.
Mortifying Moments
Speaking of mortifying moments, my sister-in-law once caught my niece sucking on the bolts that secure the toilet. Sucking. On. Toilet. Bolts. Just when you think kids can’t get any more disgusting, they do.
Before you think that I’m surrounded by wild, feral children, let me clarify that all the kids in these stories come from loving, responsible families and are generally wonderful in almost every way. I never would have thought such messy antics were possible before having kids, but good kids can do gross things.
There’s a reason why these parenting truths often go unspoken. They’re icky, a bit embarrassing, and don’t align with the idealized image of parenthood. But they are real, and knowing what could lie ahead is crucial. While no one can fully prepare you for these experiences, at least you have a heads-up.
Now that you’ve braved the icky details, feel free to return to your snack. Good luck, and may your little ones aim well!
Additional Resources
For more insights into navigating parenthood, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and consider the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit for your journey. And for even more tips, don’t miss this other blog post that covers the realities of parenting.
Summary
Motherhood is a journey filled with unexpected and often unpleasant surprises. From the messy aftermath of childbirth to the chaotic antics of toddlers, the reality of parenting can be quite daunting. This article humorously explores the gross and messy aspects of motherhood that many parents experience but often don’t discuss. It’s a candid reminder that while parenting can be beautiful, it also comes with its fair share of challenges and surprises.