Dear Creator of Stick Figure Family Car Decals,
At any given stoplight, I’m treated to the delightful insights of the driver ahead of me. Thanks to your quirky invention, I now know that the individual in front is a proud summer resident of Martha’s Vineyard, adores her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, has a daughter excelling in academic achievements at Maple Leaf Academy, and (oh, how modest!) is married to a Yale graduate. How fortunate for her!
Because of your baffling creation, I can now add even more details: her name is Melissa, her husband’s name is Greg, her daughter is named Sofia, and the dog is affectionately called Scout. Melissa loves to bake, Sofia is a budding soccer star, and Greg, it appears, enjoys carrying his laptop around. Oh, and look at that—there’s another little one on the way, and it’s a boy!
I kindly urge you to reconsider your contribution to our driving scenery. We all know the stickers I’m referring to, so instead of discussing the optimal placement (bottom left of the rear window), let’s put an end to this juvenile trend. It’s been dragging on for too long, and at this point, you’re simply taking advantage of exhausted parents who have lost all sense of rational judgment.
It’s not just silly; it could be dangerous. Yes, dangerous. This information is a gold mine for anyone with ill intentions. “Hello, random driver behind me! My name is Sarah, and I’m a single mom who enjoys sipping lattes while my son Jason plays with his action figures. Follow me home and harm us—don’t worry about our protection, as evident by my decals, we only own a pet hamster named Nibbles!”
This is reckless, but I understand—there are so many trends out there that you needed to carve out your niche. You’ve successfully dominated the family vehicle market—hats off to you! I hope you’ve made a fortune off this product and are enjoying a well-deserved vacation in a tropical paradise, because it would annoy me further to find out that this is merely a hobby with proceeds donated to a shelter for stray cats somewhere in New Mexico.
A car is meant to evoke a sense of maturity. After tying the knot and expanding the family, the last thing anyone wants is to succumb to the stereotype of a minivan. Don’t you think this is a bit humiliating? Do you really believe women want to be defined by their childbearing status through stick figures? We already know what’s inside: a frazzled parent in sweatpants who hasn’t had a chance to shower in days, surrounded by multiple car seats, crumpled snack wrappers, and a cacophony of animated films blaring from the backseat. Why on earth would anyone want to advertise this chaos?
Speaking of chaotic trends, I’m curious—do you have any connections with the creators of Truck Nutz, Reindeer Ears, or those silly antenna balls? They seem like they’d fit right in with your crowd! And if I may ask, are you a man or a woman? If a man, is this just a joke? If a woman, what were you thinking?
So, to you, dear inventor, while I might envy your financial success, I must express my disdain for your creation. You’ve inflicted a disservice on our society that rivals other absurdities like unlimited soda refills or jeggings.
Take those Stick Figures and stick them where they belong.
Sincerely,
Jessica Lane
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Summary
Jessica Lane expresses her frustration with the trend of stick figure family car decals, highlighting their absurdity and potential dangers. She encourages the inventor to reconsider this fad while making light of the chaos that comes with parenting.