The most challenging aspect of being a gay dad isn’t about the joys and trials of parenthood. Yes, my twins, at just two years old, are starting to wonder about the concept of a mom and why they don’t have one. Fortunately, explaining our family structure is simple with them. They’re bright, open-minded kids, and I’m confident that they don’t harbor any prejudices. However, the real difficulty arises when I have to explain our family dynamic to others.
Countless questions can lead to this topic: “Where’s your wife?” “Who’s their mom?” or “I wish my partner would take the kids to the playground sometimes.” When I’m out with my partner, the most common question we face is, “Which one of you is the dad?”
While it might be tempting to fabricate an answer, I believe that lying would send a harmful message to our children—that there’s something wrong with our family that we need to hide. Instead, we opt for honesty and say, “We’re both the dads.” Then we wait, ready to see how they’ll react.
Before becoming a gay dad, I often worried about the implications of such a straightforward statement. However, after two years in this role, I’ve learned that people are quite predictable. In all that time, I’ve encountered only a handful of different responses. Without exception, everyone we’ve met can be categorized into one of five types.
1. Your New Best Friend
Reaction: Uncontainable excitement
From the moment they meet me and my partner, Alex, these individuals are ready to embrace us, add us on social media, and invite us to family gatherings. They think it’s absolutely amazing that we’re a family, and their enthusiasm shines through as they introduce us to their children. “Look, Jamie! This is their dad and this is their other dad! Isn’t that awesome?”
You can practically see their thoughts racing. “Wow, I never thought I’d meet a family like this in person! We should stick together because who knows when we’ll encounter another?” Often, they assume we face discrimination, so they respond with excessive kindness to counteract any negativity we might experience.
I welcome these New Best Friends with open arms. We share our journey, from our surrogate, who is now like family, to the egg donor who also happens to be Alex’s sister, Leah. (And yes, I’m the one who donated the sperm.) Living in a progressive place like Los Angeles, these friendly encounters are quite common.
2. The Nonchalant Allies
Reaction: Affected indifference
These folks are cool, but perhaps a bit too cool. They quickly inform us about other gay dads they know, like, “Oh, there’s a couple at our kids’ school with two dads, Mark and Tom.” or “My kid’s best friend has two moms; they visited us last month.”
While they’re trying to seem unfazed by our family, they’re more concerned about not appearing surprised than they are about making us feel comfortable. They might be thinking, “I’ve seen stories about families like yours on the news. I need to play it casual.”
Occasionally, they’ll show genuine curiosity or kindness in our conversations, but more often, we’ll move on without much interaction. Nonchalant Allies may not be overly enthusiastic, but we appreciate their acceptance.
3. The Closet Homophobes
Reaction: Polite evasion
These individuals aren’t comfortable with our family, but they manage to stay courteous. They’ll say something like, “Oh, how lovely. Well, I must be going now.” and then they’ll discreetly slip away.
You can often spot the discomfort on their faces, as they think things like, “Why did I ask this?” or “Ugh, typical Los Angeles!” These folks are usually the ones who bought into the misconceptions surrounding LGBTQ+ issues, believing that our family structure threatens traditional values.
The worst situation for a Closet Homophobe is when their kids start asking questions. “But where’s their mommy?” they might hear from their child, and they’ll stammer or lie. “She’s not here right now,” anything to shield their kids from the reality of our family dynamics. While I respect their feelings, I refuse to downplay my pride in my family.
4. The Confused Observers
Reaction: Total bewilderment
This is often the most amusing reaction we encounter. Despite our explanations, some individuals remain completely puzzled by our family. For example, during a minivan shopping trip, the salesman responded to our news of expecting twins with, “Your wife will love the Odyssey!”
After clarifying that we’re both dads, he seemed lost, repeating “No two dads!” in disbelief. It was clear that he had a hard time processing our reality, and honestly, I have no idea what he envisioned happening in our home.
There was also a waiter at a restaurant who couldn’t grasp the notion of two dads, despite my partner and I each carrying a car seat. “Are you the mom?” he asked a family member. “No, they have two dads,” she replied. His insistence that “No two dads!” existed was baffling and somewhat entertaining.
5. The Moral Guardians
Reaction: Condemnation mode
These are the individuals we hope to avoid. They feel compelled to voice their displeasure, declaring us the cause of societal decline. They’re quick to pull out Bible verses and threaten to report us to Child Protective Services.
Fortunately, I haven’t encountered any Moral Guardians yet, but I know they exist. In less progressive areas, I can only imagine how often gay dads may have to face their judgment. Before my children arrived, I prepared for such interactions by crafting responses to defend my family.
Regardless of what category you fall into, if you see my partner and me out with our twins, feel free to approach us. We genuinely enjoy meeting new people and sharing our story, which helps our kids feel like little celebrities.
In summary, navigating the world as a gay dad can lead to a variety of interactions—some uplifting, some awkward, and some downright confusing. But with each encounter, we continue to educate others and share our family’s pride.