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My Kids Will Never Resort to Cannibalism: Insights from the First 10 Days of Summer
It’s a relief to know that my children will never consider eating me. This realization was the first of many I encountered during the chaotic initial phase of summer vacation. With the regular rhythm of school and activities abruptly halted, we transitioned into a few days of pajama-clad freedom, followed by a sudden jolt of reality.
By the fourth day of summer break, we were trapped indoors due to relentless rain. Having exhausted every outdoor activity, we had to get inventive within the confines of our home. As I settled onto the couch with a book, I sensed an unsettling silence and glanced up to find my twins, Oliver and Max, looking at me with expressions reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter. Perhaps it was just the side effects of too many hours watching cartoons. We can’t be certain until scientific studies link excessive screen time to unusual behavior.
With our pantry stripped of enjoyable snacks (you know, the good stuff like cookies and chips), we were left with the bare essentials: fruit and cheese sticks. I began to worry that they were eyeing my legs as potential snacks. The scenario was not entirely implausible; all the elements for a cannibalistic uprising were present: boredom, hunger, and the effects of too many cartoons.
In the midst of formulating a survival plan that would keep me intact and my kids safe from any drastic measures, a wave of clarity washed over me. Teamwork! Successful cannibalism requires collaboration. My boys would never manage to unite long enough to carry out such a scheme; there would be at least a dozen arguments before they could even attempt it. I was going to survive!
While I could rest easy knowing that “Eaten by Children” wouldn’t be the title of my obituary, I still had to contend with the threat of “Death by Whining.” With the endless rain, no school, and a scarcity of acceptable snacks, the whining escalated to unbearable levels. To save my sanity, I began thinking of new responses to their complaints.
My usual retorts, such as “Please use your regular voice,” and “I can’t understand your whining,” were failing miserably, falling flat like tears on a well-read novel. I even joked about them calling a fictional number, “1-900-Whines-a-Lot,” but they only whined more about wanting to play games on my phone.
I briefly considered a Pavlovian approach—perhaps spraying them with water whenever they whined would deter them? But this plan was doomed before it started; they’d likely enjoy being spritzed.
Aside from grappling with the whining war, I came to realize that my attempts at threatening them were utterly ineffective, yet strangely amusing. For instance, when Oliver was too lazy to find his bathing suit, I said, “If I find it first, you’ll clean all the toilets.” To my surprise, he thought that sounded fun and begged me to fetch the suit.
After enduring Max sing the same two lines of “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift—incorrectly—about 600 times, I warned, “If you sing that again, I’ll stuff a marshmallow in your mouth.” Clearly, I need to work on my threatening skills, as marshmallows are a delightful treat, especially for a child who might consider nibbling on a parent’s arm.
It’s hard to gauge the long-term effects of surviving the First 10 Days of Summer Vacation. Only time will reveal the lasting impacts. But through this endurance, we emerge victorious. By day 11 or 12, the clouds will clear, and we’ll be greeted with sunny days filled with pool parties, summer camps, and visits to grandparents. The gloomy moments will fade into memories of s’mores, and we’ll finally develop an effective strategy for dealing with whining—perhaps something akin to “Would you like some cheese with that?” And thus, we live to embrace another summer adventure.
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Summary:
The article humorously reflects on the challenges faced during the first 10 days of summer vacation, including the coping mechanisms developed to manage children’s behavior and the surprising realizations about parenting. It emphasizes the joys and struggles of family life, ultimately highlighting the resilience that emerges during these chaotic moments.