I wasn’t quite sure what changes to expect. I thought that by adopting the last name Johnson, I would seamlessly blend my life with Jake’s, and he with mine. What I didn’t foresee was how my traditions, preferences, and overall perspectives would be put to the test. Why? Because I wasn’t just marrying Jake; I was also marrying his family.
Joining a family is much like embarking on a journey: there will be customs you’ll cherish and that reshape your view of the world, alongside experiences you’ll revisit to relish. You will learn to adapt, letting go of the need to control everything, while simultaneously feeling an overwhelming longing for the familiar comforts of home. There will be moments when you might find yourself thinking, “I just want things to be as they were, but with you by my side.”
However, I didn’t grasp this when we got engaged. The first hint of change came when Jake’s family expressed reluctance about a non-religious wedding. Pinterest was still a concept on the horizon, but I can only imagine that my vision for a wedding—an enchanting ceremony under the stars, with rustic charm, twinkling lights, and wildflowers—has become a popular theme now.
“I envision something outdoorsy and rustic,” I shared enthusiastically.
My future mother-in-law, a petite woman with a penchant for floral arrangements and tradition, replied, “Wouldn’t you prefer a church setting?”
I shook my head. “No, I really want to get married outside. I haven’t been to church, so it doesn’t feel right to me.”
She went silent. I didn’t yet understand that “Don’t you want to…” often implies “I’d love it if you would….” I’ve never been one to change my opinions just to please others. It’s perfectly fine to have your own preferences, but marriage often complicates that notion.
Once we were married and started our family, I made sure our daughters knew the proper names for their body parts. No euphemisms for “vaginas” in our house. One day, my daughter Lily excitedly told Jake’s dad, a gentle giant who works in medical imaging, about our trip to the pool.
“We had a blast on the slides, and it was so much fun! It’s funny how your pee feels warm after swimming. Does yours do that? And my vagina felt weird for a few days after!” she exclaimed, before running off to play.
He turned to me, mouthing “vagina” in disbelief. “She calls it that?”
I was taken aback. “Yes, it’s just what it is.”
“I know, but don’t you think she’s a bit young for that?”
“Why would anyone be too young to know the names of their body parts?” I retorted, feeling defensive.
He shrugged, indicating that while he respected our choices, they weren’t necessarily his preferences. I spent days pondering how often our decisions would be scrutinized, and the answer was frequently—everything from our approach to parenting to how we managed health issues.
My family thrived on discussion and debate, often prioritizing adventures over quality time together. In contrast, Jake’s family tends to handle disagreements quietly, and they cherish large family gatherings. While our family dynamics couldn’t be more different, I learned quickly that Jake’s mom held holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, in high regard. Each occasion was accompanied by lengthy discussions on who would bring what dish and at what time.
One year, she suggested we arrive for dinner at 1 p.m. “That’s right during nap time for the girls,” I mentioned to Jake. He agreed. Our focus was on our little family, while she was firmly rooted in tradition.
It became a battle of priorities between two matriarchs, with time and ritual as the two ships navigating this sea of family dynamics. Regardless of when we arrived, it always felt like we were late or that our contributions were unnecessary.
I can still hear her asking, “Would you like seconds?”
“No, thank you,” I would reply.
“Are you sure you don’t want more mashed potatoes or another roll?”
I’d shake my head, feeling childish for my resistance. Why couldn’t I just indulge a little? But why should I have to?
Marriage, it seems, involves more than just blending lives; it encompasses embracing the broader family landscape, with all its quirks and nuances. In those whispered pieces of advice about a successful marriage, no one ever warned me about the family dynamics involved. While it’s not our fault, it does become our responsibility.
We marry into the holidays, the family secrets, and the traditions that have shaped their lives. What we once knew and what we grow into can never coexist perfectly; we must learn a new dialect and navigate different timeframes.
Ultimately, happily ever after isn’t just about love; it’s about finding solace in each other despite—and because of—the chaos that family brings.
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Summary: Marrying “the one” also means embracing their family, with all its traditions and quirks. As you navigate this new dynamic, you may find your own perspectives challenged and reshaped. Ultimately, finding harmony in your relationship amid family complexities is essential for a fulfilling marriage.