It was one of those chaotic Tuesdays filled with toddler tantrums when I called my partner to check if he was off work yet. I was desperate for a break or at least some assistance. When he confirmed he was on his way home, I mentioned we’d be ordering pizza since, amidst the chaos of messes, screams, and tears, I had completely failed to prepare dinner. He seemed cheerful and suggested, “How about we all go out to eat instead?”
After a long day of endless discipline and crying from all sides, the thought of taking our young children out in public felt overwhelming. “Honey, I just can’t. Today has been a disaster, and I’m not up for it,” I replied. His silence hinted at his disappointment, and with an exasperated sigh, I relented, “Fine. I’ll get the kids ready.”
In a flurry, I brushed my daughter’s hair, cleaned the kids’ faces, and dressed them for our outing. As we loaded them into the car, I shot him a look and muttered, “You owe me.”
That evening, surprisingly, turned out better than I had anticipated. However, as I reflected on my earlier comment, I came to a humbling realization: the phrase “you owe me” has no place in a marriage.
There’s a subtle implication in saying “you owe me.” It suggests that your partner is obligated to reciprocate your actions or risk facing resentment. It can create a dangerous dynamic where affection and support become transactional.
Common themes in wedding vows emphasize commitment through both good and bad times. At the heart of marriage is selfless love. It’s a partnership built on honoring one another, and the phrase “you owe me” drains the love and respect from a relationship. Naturally, marriage involves give and take, but it also means prioritizing your partner’s needs above your own. It’s about sacrificial love, where you set aside personal desires for the sake of your partner’s happiness.
When I said “you owe me,” I was essentially implying, “We aren’t equal partners right now; I hold the upper hand, and you must repay me.” This made him feel pressured to compensate quickly or face potential fallout. I stripped him of his ability to choose to love me freely and turned it into an obligation. That’s not true love.
Marriage is challenging, and even the best relationships go through tough times. I’ve chosen not to complicate my marriage with the expectation of reciprocity. Instead, I aim to love without the anticipation of getting something back. On May 23, 2009, I vowed to love my partner selflessly, and that commitment remains my guiding principle.
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Summary
In marriage, the expectation of reciprocity can undermine the core principles of love and partnership. Emphasizing selflessness and prioritizing your partner’s happiness leads to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.