Welcome to your suburban paradise! Living here is tranquil, fulfilling, and worry-free. To enhance your experience, we’ve outlined the following important rules (set in stone, quite literally). Please review them thoroughly. The first violation will incur a fine of $1,000 and public humiliation. Repeated offenses may lead to relocation from the neighborhood.
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Maintaining Aesthetic Standards
All properties must remain clear of any unattractive, artificial items at all times. While we prefer that recreational activities occur solely in backyards, approved handmade toys can be displayed in front yards between 4 PM and 6 PM. Daily cleanup is mandatory. Any items left unattended will be disposed of. Fun remnants are not tolerated. -
Sound Regulations
Outdoor noise levels must stay below 50 decibels during the day and 20 decibels at night. Open windows are permitted only if the indoor noise falls within these limits when measured from the sidewalk. Swimming pools are allowed for beautification purposes only; swimming is off-limits as it can disrupt the peaceful ambiance and interfere with afternoon Mahjong games. -
Children and Pets
Residences with odd-numbered addresses may keep one pet. The accepted dog breeds include AKC-certified retrievers, poodles, and Yorkshire terriers. Mixed-breed and shelter pets are allowed only if they meet a 90 percent breed requirement (DNA verification needed). Cats must remain indoors. Households can have a maximum of two children, preferably one of each gender. Any unattended pets or children should be reported immediately to the proper authorities. -
Pet Waste Management
Ensure your dog’s bathroom habits are under control. Coffee enemas may help maintain cleanliness for both pets and plumbing. All outdoor waste must be disposed of in your own yard and deodorized immediately. If your dog goes in a neighbor’s yard, you must replace any affected sod or plants within 24 hours. Any cat found outside is subject to immediate removal. -
Yard Maintenance
All lawns must be trimmed regularly and kept free of weeds or unauthorized plants. Lawn edges should be cut sharply, and grass must match the approved Pantone Meadow Green color. In drought conditions, replace all landscaping with local, drought-resistant flora according to the designated neighborhood plan. -
Trash and Recycling Protocol
All garbage, recycling, and yard waste should be set out at the curb no earlier than 6 AM on collection days. Trash bins must be cleaned monthly (refer to the approved contractor list) and brought inside within 15 minutes of collection. When not at the curb, bins must be kept out of view. -
Grilling Guidelines
Only locally sourced, organic vegetables and free-range meats may be grilled in the neighborhood. Random inspections will be conducted to ensure compliance. -
Home Cleanliness Standards
The interior of your home must adhere to the cleanliness standards set by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, akin to hospital hygiene, at all times. Exceptions are allowed for extreme holiday stress, serious illness, or bereavement. -
Outdoor Playtime
Children are cherished members of our community. They may engage in outdoor play from 4 PM to 6 PM on weekdays and 1 PM to 4 PM on weekends, in groups no larger than four and always under parental supervision. Any child crossing into a child-free yard may receive a gentle reminder via a small electric shock. -
Prohibited Behaviors
Car washing, solicitation, nude sunbathing, outdoor texting, adjusting clothing, singing, whistling, unnecessary physical contact, loud chewing, and greeting new neighbors without baked goods are all strictly forbidden. -
Conflict Resolution
Neighborly disputes should be handled via anonymous, passive-aggressive notes left in mailboxes during the night. In-person discussions are discouraged to prevent uncomfortable confrontations. -
Social Interaction
Friendly smiles and waves are welcomed, but excessive socializing is to be avoided. Honest responses to questions are discouraged; keep replies brief and generic. Knocking on doors is not allowed unless explicitly permitted or if you are a Girl Scout selling Thin Mints.
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Summary
This guide outlines the essential rules for suburban living, focusing on maintaining property aesthetics, regulating noise, managing pets and children, and ensuring community harmony. Following these guidelines will help ensure a pleasant environment for all residents.