14 Internal Dialogues I Have While Shopping at Whole Foods

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I usually steer clear of Whole Foods, but every now and then, I find myself drawn in unexpectedly, much like the way someone might be captivated by a pricey dress in an upscale boutique. Here are the 14 conversations I have with myself while navigating the aisles at Whole Foods.

1. Wow, the selection of international foods here is incredible! Everything from frozen pad see ew to fancy Caribbean snacks. This must be a fun way to explore different cultures, right?

2. Is this place designed by IKEA? It’s so expansive; I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I’m tossing random items into my cart. Do I really need another step stool? And what’s with this jar of Borsari for $5.99?

3. I’ve never tried Perky Jerky before, but suddenly, I can’t resist it.

4. Why are there so many types of bacon? I’m feeling lost. Oh look, a friendly face! Here comes my Bearded Guide-Hipster to help me navigate.

5. Did they hire a set designer for this store? Every product looks perfectly arranged. The bananas are individually hung, and the fish seem to have auditioned for their spot on the ice.

6. What would be a perfect dinner for a family of four? Maybe a carton of yucca fries and a hand-churned cheese Danish? Sounds balanced, right?

7. These artisanal Caribbean snacks are calling my name. That’s $40 gone in a flash!

8. Wait, tomatoes aren’t in season. How are these so stunning? What kind of shady deal do they have with Australia for tomatoes?

9. What even is Borsari? The label says to use it like pepper. Should I sprinkle it on everything?

10. My real dilemma isn’t whether the six packs of chocolate pudding I’m eyeing are organic. It’s just about the sheer quantity!

11. Do they hire every illustrator in Vermont to create all these farm-themed packages? Every item seems to feature a farm, a baby animal, or a rainbow.

12. Low-fat Veganaise is probably so far from actual mayonnaise that it might as well be glue.

13. I’m pretty sure my mom never needed 30 varieties of salt to make dinner.

14. I just dropped $120 here, and I still need to swing by Trader Joe’s!

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In summary, shopping at Whole Foods often leads to humorous internal debates about my choices and the absurdity of some products, all while I’m left wondering how I could spend so much and still need to visit another store.