On a sunny Tuesday afternoon last month, I ventured to my daughter Ava’s classroom to celebrate her sixth birthday, loaded with cupcakes, party hats, and juice boxes. Without a second car, I maneuvered through the streets with all her party supplies crammed into a somewhat decrepit Radio Flyer wagon, huffing and puffing as I navigated bumps and potholes, cursing the missing screw in the handle. Strolling home afterward, I was blissfully unaware of the pink frosting smeared across my shirt. I asked Ava how her birthday went, and she jumped over a crack in the sidewalk, exclaiming, “It was the best birthday ever, Mama! Because you were there!” as she reached for my hand.
Her radiant smile filled my heart with warmth, reminding me why I chose this path of parenting. It helped soften the ongoing uncertainty I felt nearly a year after transitioning from my role as an academic dean to freelance writing, research, and spending quality time with my girls. Juggling increased work demands with the type of parent I aspired to be had left me exhausted; something had to change. Now, my days are sprinkled with moments of grace and the fleeting warmth of small hands seeking my touch. Yet, working from home has brought unexpected challenges, and I have slowly adjusted to this new role, discovering resilience and adaptability I didn’t know I possessed.
The journey hasn’t always been easy. I wrestled with finding my identity at home, and the absence of external validation was a hit to my self-esteem, which had long been tied to my professional success. In my twenties, I envisioned a life resembling that of a philosopher, not one filled with mid-afternoon games of Simon Says. While I left my job to be more available to those I love, I often found myself consumed by tasks that needed completing, trying to maximize our income, and struggling with the complexities of shared finances and the concept of independence within marriage.
Days spent writing and applying for jobs I didn’t truly desire left me feeling frustrated and lost. My two-year-old daughter played at my feet while I fixated on my laptop, feeling anxious about what I should be doing instead of being present in the moment. Almost a year into this transition, I realized that I could finally enjoy watching my girls play with blocks or climb trees, that I could greet them off the school bus and listen to their stories, and that I had the power to embrace the changes I had longed for.
Reflecting on my mid-30s, I once thought it would be a time of clarity and a well-defined path, but life has shown me otherwise. Instead of linear stability, I’ve found peace in acknowledging that my journey is winding and evolving. Maturity means granting myself the freedom to adapt to what unfolds before me. Rather than forging a clear path, I’m continuously reshaping it, navigating the needs of young children, aging relatives, financial obligations, and the realities of marriage. Life has a way of interrupting our narratives, altering our expectations, and rewriting our stories.
My narrative now unfolds in small victories and quiet moments. I choose to embrace the present, letting go of “could haves” and “should haves,” and prioritizing the relationships I cherish. I make it a point to call my grandmother more often, remembering the value of undivided attention she gave me as a child. I reconnect with my mother, not in opposition but in companionship. I engage with friends and savor every moment as my oldest daughter lights up on her school field trip because, for the first time, I am there to witness it. Conversations with my husband about our evolving lives help us navigate this new terrain together.
This path may shift yet again, as life is always in flux. For now, I write in stolen moments, crafting my understanding of the world through the stories that swirl in my mind and the time I share with my children. I embrace the bumps and curves of life, cherishing these moments when their little hands fit perfectly in mine, because as with everything else, these too shall pass.
In this season of my life, I wholeheartedly choose the path that has chosen me, prioritizing relationships and the legacy I hope to build.
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of my mid-30s has been a journey of self-discovery and prioritization of relationships over societal expectations. I’ve learned to adapt and embrace the winding path of life, focusing on meaningful connections with my family and redefining my sense of self beyond traditional career validations. Each day, I choose to engage fully in the present, crafting my narrative amid the joys and challenges of motherhood.