By: Jessica Lane
It’s hard to believe it’s been over three decades since my parents separated when I was just 11 years old. Now, as a married parent of three—ages 11, 9, and 7—I’ve come to understand that while marriage has its challenges, divorce brings its own unique hurdles. Through my journey as a parent, I’ve realized that children don’t mold their experiences around preconceived notions of what childhood should look like. My kids aren’t caught up in an idealized version of family life; instead, they navigate their own realities without the baggage of adult expectations.
When my parents explained their decision to take a break, the term “broken home” didn’t resonate with me; that concept belonged to the adult world. Children adapt to their circumstances. Sure, they feel pain and curiosity, but the tendency to dwell on what was lost is often more characteristic of adults. When my father moved into his own apartment, it didn’t feel like a disaster; it simply marked a new chapter in our lives.
1. Misbehavior is Often Attributed to Divorce
One of the first lessons I learned after my parents’ split was how easily bad behavior could be blamed on the divorce.
“Oh, Jessica is acting out again—must be because of the separation.”
Not quite; I’ve always had a flair for mischief, and that had little to do with my parents’ situation.
2. Guilt is a Common Companion
Another realization was the pervasiveness of guilt. While all parents wrestle with guilt, those navigating a divorce often feel it more intensely. This adult struggle involves ruminating over past decisions and desperately trying to compensate for perceived wrongs. My sister and I enjoyed a brief phase of indulging in “guilt treats” like pizza and skateboards, but eventually, we grew tired of it. Kids simply can’t maintain that level of emotional excess like adults can.
3. Family is Redefined, Not Destroyed
What I learned next is that family remains family, regardless of marital status. Whether you call your parents Mom and Dad or something else entirely, your family is uniquely yours—quirks and all. We combined traditions and sometimes faced conflicts, but I discovered that even in the midst of changes, there were new opportunities arising from our unconventional setup.
At times, I wondered how life might have been if my parents had stayed together, but I also recognized the benefits that came specifically because they chose separate paths.
4. Love is Not Limited to Last Names
Lastly, I learned that love is not contingent on shared last names or living arrangements. The depth of love and self-worth comes from genuine connections rather than titles. Authentic family bonds flourish when we release expectations and guilt, prioritizing togetherness over appearances.
My stepdad entered my life later and approached our relationship with a sense of humility that sometimes frustrated me. We eventually found our rhythm, bonding through what he called “breakfast talks”—open conversations about my life’s direction over morning meals that brought me to tears yet helped me navigate my path.
Children are inherently perceptive and often switch their preferences—from homemade cookies to flashy store-bought cupcakes—without the burden of guilt. They adapt, just like my young daughter who, after breaking her leg, took it in stride, declaring, “I’m a 3-year-old with a broken leg, but I’m almost 4!” My husband even modified our tree fort to accommodate her cast, showcasing the adaptive love that flourishes in unconventional family dynamics.
While I can’t erase the challenges of divorce, I aim to ease the sting of it for my children. In the end, we all come through these experiences okay.
For more insights on navigating family dynamics, check out our other blog post on home insemination kits. If you’re looking for resources on fertility, Make a Mom provides excellent information, while UCSF’s fertility insurance FAQs are a great resource for understanding your options.
Summary:
Growing up in a divorced family teaches valuable lessons about adaptability, guilt, and the true meaning of family. Children navigate their realities without the weight of adult expectations, and love transcends traditional definitions. Acceptance and understanding can help us all come out stronger on the other side.