- You shall not operate the vehicle if your judgment is compromised in any way. At this rate, you might not get to drive until you’re 30!
- Always keep your hands firmly on the wheel. This includes avoiding distractions like texting, snacking, or any romantic antics. I know you’re a pro at multitasking, but safety first!
- Your passengers must keep their hands to themselves, especially off the wheel. This isn’t a movie, and taking your eyes off the road can lead to a not-so-fun trip to the ditch—trust me, I have no personal experience with that.
- Do not consume Caramel Frappuccinos in the car. Last week, my steering wheel felt like a sticky floor at the cinema after a kids’ movie. And by the way, if you’re not bringing a grande skim latte for your mother, just don’t.
- After a McDonald’s run, you must air out the car and spritz it with Febreze (found in the trunk). The same goes for enjoying Chipotle or after a sweaty basketball game in the sweltering heat. Axe body spray won’t cut it.
- Do not crank the radio up to an ear-splitting level to startle your mother when she gets in the car. If you do, she’ll retaliate by playing NPR at full volume while your friends are over. And by the third offense? Watch out, she may attempt to bust a move to Beyoncé!
- You shall not leave used chewing gum in the cup holder. The same rule applies to straw wrappers, sunflower seed shells, and tissues. If you do, I will instruct the cats to leave hairballs on your pillow as a reminder.
- My trunk is not your personal laundry basket. If I discover wet towels in my backseat, you can expect to find your dad’s dirty laundry in your beach bag.
- Returning the car with an empty gas tank is unacceptable. It’s like finding an empty Cheez-It box in the pantry, except running out of gas could leave you stranded on I-495. Remember, you have a gas card—use it for more than just snacks!
- The Golden Rule: Treat the vehicle with the same care as if it were your own, because one day, it just might be. If we get a new car, guess what? It’s mine!
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In summary, these ten guidelines are designed to ensure that the car remains a safe and enjoyable space for everyone. By following these simple rules, you can keep the vehicle in good condition and maintain peace in the family. Happy driving!