Labor and delivery nurses are the unsung heroes of the hospital, popping in and out at all hours. They monitor your progress, check your vitals, and—surprise!—press down hard on your abdomen after the baby is born. (No baby book warned me about this “surprise delivery.” Get ready for gauzy underwear and a maxi pad that feels more like a life raft.)
Once the baby arrives, these nurses transition into educators, demonstrating how to check your son’s temperature and give him his first bath. They teach you various holds, swaddling techniques, and diaper changes. The hours after delivery resemble a crash course in Newborn Care 101, with you and your little one ready to graduate as you’re wheeled out of the hospital.
But let’s be real: after welcoming four sons into my life, I realized that the hospital could offer a whole new curriculum tailored specifically for boy moms. Here are some essential classes that would be more useful than learning the proper way to bathe a newborn:
- How to Assemble and Disassemble Everything
Forget just Legos; this skill encompasses all manner of toys and gadgets. If you’re expecting your first boy, skip the Lamaze class and head straight to the toy aisle. Grab a Lego set with 250 pieces, dump them on the floor, and figure out how to put it together—then take it apart and try again without the instructions. Trust me, you’ll need this skill for everything from fixing the TV remote to dealing with the inevitable chaos of toy breakdowns. - Basic Boy’s Haircut Techniques
After two boys, I quickly learned the art of haircuts, but a quick lesson from a local cosmetology school would have been a lifesaver. Electric clippers have numbers for a reason! I’ve saved a fortune by learning to cut hair myself, but a little guidance on clipper settings would have made it a lot easier. - Stitches 101
I’ve sewn everything from quilts to curtains, but stitching up a child’s head wound isn’t something you typically learn in sewing class. Hospitals could offer moms a tube of Lidocaine and some basic materials to handle minor injuries at home. Let’s save some time and money on that ER visit! - Toilet Repair Basics
We’re not just talking about plungers here. Imagine being able to remove the entire toilet to retrieve a favorite toy. A lesson on how to take apart and fix toilet issues would be invaluable, especially when dealing with what your curious little ones flush away. - Private Part Vocabulary 101
Before I had boys, I thought there were a few standard names for male anatomy. Little did I know the plethora of creative terms they would come up with! A vocabulary lesson on all the amusing names boys use would have been a fun addition to my postpartum education. - Extra Credit Skills
Once you’ve mastered the basics, here are some additional skills to tackle:
– How to Tie a Tie—preferably while driving to an event.
– Fire Safety—not just in the kitchen, but for all those random experiments they come up with.
– Grocery Cart Tetris—because you’ll need to fit a mountain of snacks into one cart.
– Button and Zipper Repair—to keep up with your growing boys.
– Poker Skills—they’ll want to gamble, so why not teach yourself to win?
Finally, enjoy being the queen of your castle while you can. Soon enough, there will be girlfriends swooping in to try and replace you. And when does that mother-in-lawing class start, anyway?
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Summary
Being a boy mom comes with its unique challenges and lessons that hospitals often overlook. From mastering toy assembly to understanding the nuances of boyhood vocabulary, the education you receive can set the foundation for navigating the wild world of raising sons. With a bit of humor and preparation, you can embrace the chaos and enjoy every moment.