While sitting in the carpool lane, a mom has plenty of time to ponder various things. What to whip up for dinner? Whether those yoga pants have seen better days? Or how much longer until the neighbors start complaining about her overgrown lawn? But unfortunately, darker thoughts can creep in, like what would happen if a meteorite were to strike her minivan, leaving her husband to navigate life with their three daughters alone.
I have no doubt that my husband, Jake, would manage just fine – our girls might turn out to be the toughest athletes the local football team has ever seen. Still, I can’t help but worry about the details. Who will educate them on the nuances of makeup? Or the art of stretching yoga pants over a week without washing? And let’s not forget about maintaining our home. Who will remember to change the air fresheners or which weeds to ignore (Hint: All of them)? It’s a sobering thought as they pile into my minivan, blissfully unaware of my contributions to their lives.
Sadly, I’ve come to realize that Jake has little understanding of my daily responsibilities, let alone appreciation. Dead crickets don’t just vanish on their own, and crockpot meals aren’t magically prepared. To help him – and maybe a few other dads out there – I’ve created a list of ten requests I’d like him to follow if I were to meet my untimely end. While it might not hold any legal weight, I trust that my wishes will be respected, especially by my mother-in-law, who knows the intricacies of living with Jake.
Dear Jake,
- Make every effort to ensure our kids eat three meals a day. Use all tactics available, including bribery and even threats of losing their favorite toys. It’s trickier than you think; once I found an entire hot dog stuffed in Lily’s shoe. Our plants have started to smell like last week’s leftovers. And remember, mustard packets and a can of soda do not count as meals.
- Teeth brushing is non-negotiable. Twice daily, with toothpaste. Seriously, our kids are sneaky. Check the toothbrush and sniff their breath. I won’t have my children starting college with dentures!
- On the subject of hygiene, they should bathe at least every other day. Soap is a must. If all else fails, just take them to the pool and give them a good scrub with a bar of soap.
- Hair must be kept tidy. I once spent a week at my aunt’s and came back with a rat’s nest in my hair. The rats were grateful to move into the trash instead of living in my locks. So, keep an eye out for lice or any woodland creatures.
- When a child says they need to use the bathroom, take them seriously.
- To replace the toilet paper roll, squeeze the ends together and pull the spindle toward you. It’s simple, I promise!
- Limit screen time. Ideally, I’d prefer they only watch educational content, but I know you have a soft spot for cartoons. Just steer clear of those ghost hunting shows you love. We don’t want them sleeping on your floor for the next two decades!
- Naptime is sacred. Prioritize it above everything, including meetings or even natural disasters. Do your best to ensure they “rest their eyes” even if the roof is blowing off. Remember, a lack of sleep can lead to some seriously scary situations.
- Pay the bills. When we bought our house, I was shocked to discover how you felt about paying bills. I believe your exact words were “bills are just the man holding us down.” Please keep our finances in check to avoid any lapses that could hurt my credit score. I don’t want our kids scavenging for food in the dark!
- Now, let’s talk about my final wishes. I hope you were joking when you mentioned that funerals are a waste and that you’d just toss my body into the river. I want a memorable send-off with a slideshow and music. Little napkins with my initials would be lovely, and if you can swing it, a celebrity guest like Chris Pratt would be a nice touch.
Lastly, I expect you to eventually step out and possibly even chat with another woman. Just know that I’ll be watching. Always. Oh, what was that noise in the closet? You’ll know it’s me, keeping an eye on things. But please, don’t let that stop you from moving forward.
Love,
Me
For more insightful discussions about relationships and parenting, check out our other posts, including this one about terms and conditions.
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In summary, this light-hearted yet sincere list serves as a guide for my husband should I no longer be around. It covers essential aspects of parenting, household management, and my wishes for a memorable farewell.