“I’m losing it! I’m in the middle of dinner prep, and they just won’t stop asking for things. There are THREE of them and only ONE of me! And I can’t even change that RIDICULOUS lightbulb in the bathroom!” That was my less-than-gracious welcome for my husband, Mark, when he walked through the door last night. No warm greeting, no smile, and certainly no kiss—though, honestly, I hadn’t showered, so maybe he was better off.
As he stepped into the chaos, it was clear I was at my worst. He’s seen me have meltdowns before, but greeting him with such an outburst was a new low.
After dinner was finally served and everyone settled down, I was cleaning the kitchen when Mark came over, wrapped his arms around me, and said, “I’m sorry you had such a tough day.” At that moment, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. The reality was that my day hadn’t been all that bad. It was quite typical, with its ups and downs, but nothing overly stressful had occurred.
The girls had fun drawing pictures, which we used to decorate a cardboard tunnel. They devoured their lunch, which was a hit because it featured applesauce and cheese. The twins didn’t nap, but the baby managed to catch nearly three hours of sleep, so all in all, the day could have been much worse.
The trouble was that everything seemed to happen at once. I was juggling sautéing mushrooms, stirring beans, and microwaving rice while the twins insisted on having me join them in their potty “commune.” They were adamant that I fix the bathroom light because it was “too dark to pee.” Meanwhile, the baby dismantled the artwork we had just displayed, resulting in a chorus of screeches from the girls. To top it all off, the dog decided that was the perfect moment to throw up on the floor, mixing unpleasant odors with the burnt beans in the pan.
So, naturally, that’s when Mark walked in. He found a flustered, sweaty wife, and understandably assumed I had battled through a rough day. The truth hit me hard: He rarely gets to see me at my best.
When I’m at my best, I’m witty, creative, and full of energy. But when I’m drained, I can be short-tempered and distant. I often find myself somewhere in between these two extremes, and while my kids may receive my best, my husband is often left with my leftovers.
I can’t help but worry this is how relationships start to fray. I fear he thinks I’m always stressed and yelling when he’s not around. But that’s not the case! He misses out on the good moments, the time when I’m refreshed, have had my coffee, and the morning rush is behind me. That’s when I’m all about snuggles, reading marathons, and spontaneous dance parties.
Mark usually sees me either groggy in the morning, surrounded by a mountain of milk cups and toast orders, or at the end of the day, utterly exhausted. Sure, we manage to carve out some weekends, but with little kids, those days hardly resemble the carefree weekends of our past. We do get the occasional date night, but not nearly enough.
I cherish being able to be myself around Mark. He doesn’t care if I’m dressed up or wearing makeup; he loves me as I am. I know he appreciates the life we’ve built together and sees me as his partner in this journey. But I want to feel fun, interesting, and occasionally sexy when we’re together. I’m more than just a frazzled mom in an applesauce-stained t-shirt, right? Yet, I can’t help but wonder how long he will hold onto that belief without any proof to back it up. How can I give him my best? How do other stay-at-home moms manage? Does he share any of these concerns?
Maybe this is just a phase of parenting during the baby and toddler years. I hold onto the hope that once I find some time for myself—time to read, write, think, and exercise—I’ll have the energy to be the best version of myself when Mark is around. Maybe then I can stop the lightbulb rants and throw on a clean shirt now and then. We both deserve it.
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Summary:
Navigating the challenges of motherhood often leaves little room for nurturing a marriage. In the chaos of parenting, it’s easy for a wife to feel overwhelmed and for her husband to only see her at her worst. Finding balance is crucial, and with time and a little self-care, it’s possible to reconnect and show your partner the best version of yourself.