Is your kitchen more like a quirky zoo than a culinary workspace? Take a closer look. Does your collection include a turkey-shaped gravy boat? Or perhaps a cheese knife designed like a mouse? And that butcher block? It’s a pig, isn’t it?
You may not have intended to turn your home into a wildlife exhibit, but the influences of nature and clever marketing have a way of creeping in. In the suburban landscape of America, the typical homeowner—let’s call them the H. sapiens Pottery Barnis (known for splurging on pristine white plates)—finds it hard to present a fish on any platter that doesn’t mimic the very creature itself. Ah, evolution in action!
To cater to this whimsical demand, retailers like Crate & Barrel inundate our mailboxes with catalogs that feature delightful but unnecessary gadgets, like whale-shaped spoon rests. But you didn’t sign up for these promotions? No worries; they’re part of life in a planned community with pools and tennis courts.
Let’s dive into the fascinating inhabitants of this habitat!
Williams-Sonoma Cast-Iron Bacon Press
Baconus brunchus
Did you know that this little piggy is a common sight in new suburban developments across Middle America?
There’s a delicious irony in the fact that our kitchen gadgets often parody the very foods we consume. Attend enough brunches, and you might encounter the ultimate in culinary irony: a hog-shaped bacon press from Williams-Sonoma. Because, of course, only bacon pressed with a cast-iron pig is worthy of your dining table. This delightful item can only be found in neighborhoods where the schools boast a GreatSchools.org rating of 8 or higher.
Paula Deen’s Signature Serverware Southern Rooster Egg Tray
Rooster ridiculo
Fun fact! This egg tray has evolved to be far too large for any cabinet.
In the realm of suburban cuisine, Paula Deen has become a cultural icon synonymous with butter, controversy, and a thriving consumer goods empire. If you’re in the market for a culinary trend, this egg tray is a must-have for those with too much time and money. After all, you need a way to display those deviled eggs, right? Look out for the proud rooster watching over as you indulge in the un-baby chickens, likely dusted with paprika.
Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer
Bos taurus pointless
Fun fact! Milk comes in convenient containers already, making this gadget utterly redundant.
In the natural world, milk comes directly from a cow. But in suburbia, that’s just not elegant enough. Enter the Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer, where Bessie joyfully serves your coffee with a splash of cream. Larger versions of this critter can be found as milk pitchers, but really, who needs them?
Bed Bath & Beyond Cow BBQ Mat
Bos taurus outdoorus
Fun fact! Owning an outdoor kitchen says, “I could burn money grilling my steaks, but I opted for a custom installation instead.”
On a typical suburban lot, it’s possible to bring the comforts of the indoors outside. This Cow BBQ Mat makes a charming companion at your grill, providing a cushioned spot for the “BBQ Boss” (as per their apron). With its graphic depiction of a cow, this mat is a reminder of the culinary journey from pasture to plate—without the reality of a slaughterhouse in sight.
West Elm Fish Tail Metal Bell
Tuna tinkle
Fun fact! Even at half off, this is a ludicrous purchase.
This aquatic artifact is a staple in upscale eat-in kitchens with granite countertops. While some might view it merely as a decorative piece, others see it as a dinner bell, signaling that the salmon frittata is ready. Your family may not appreciate the dish, but that’s why you poured yourself a glass of pinot grigio during dinner.
Anthropologie Tiered Crane Sculpture
Supra expensica
Fun fact! $328!
Nothing screams upper-middle-class suburban living more than a Tiered Crane Sculpture that adds an air of pretentiousness to your dining table. This piece is essential for serious social gatherings—if your host dares serve anything from a plain platter, you have every right to protest.
Target Threshold Cookie Jar Squirrel
Rodent chocolate chipus
Fun fact! Squirrels are the most common roadkill in suburban areas.
Not all creatures in suburbia are catalog inhabitants. Target stores are a treasure trove of kitchen companions, providing the essential cookie jar that fits snugly on your countertop. Your kitchen is incomplete without these whimsical storage solutions, especially after splurging on that extravagant crane.
In summary, the suburban kitchen is a habitat bustling with quirky kitchenware that reflects both nature and the whims of consumerism. From pig-shaped gadgets to decorative bells, these items are not just tools; they tell a story about the suburban lifestyle.
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