To the woman who engaged in an affair with my husband,
Three years ago, my spouse of seven years crossed a line. I chose to remain with him afterward, a decision that often invites judgment from others. I want to clarify some misconceptions about women like me who make the choice to stay.
Let me introduce myself: I’m not someone who is simply going to accept mistreatment. I am a proud feminist who believes in consent, and I certainly did not consent to your involvement with my husband. I can’t speak to your past relationships—perhaps you always took precautions or only dated single men. However, my husband was not honest with either of us when he chose to betray our marriage.
Choosing to stay with him doesn’t mean I lack self-worth. On the contrary, it signifies that I understand my value isn’t determined by his actions. His choices, including infidelity, are not a reflection of who I am.
Financially, we could not afford a mistress. My work schedule allows me to only earn sporadically, as most of my time is dedicated to parenting our three children—often while sitting next to you at PTA meetings. When he spent money on gifts for you, that was money taken away from our family. While it may have felt fulfilling for you, it was a theft from our marriage and our children’s needs.
Our marriage was thriving when he cheated. We enjoyed intimacy, laughter, and connection. Cheating can be a symptom of personal issues, not necessarily a failing marriage. It’s a common misconception that infidelity only occurs in unhappy relationships. I refuse to accept that my husband’s poor choices reflect any shortcomings in our bond.
It’s important to recognize that healing from infidelity is not linear, and it doesn’t adhere to a specific timeline. Even after three years, memories can resurface unexpectedly, reminding me of the pain I felt during that time. In the midst of my struggles, I have had to prioritize my children, but I have not completely forgiven either of you for the turmoil you caused in our lives.
While it might be simpler to think I didn’t love my marriage enough to fight for it, that is far from the truth. Your casual relationship with him had serious repercussions for me and my family. Just because it seemed casual to you doesn’t mean it didn’t devastate my life.
Surprisingly, I have found gratitude for your affair. I know that sounds contradictory, but your decisions forced me to confront my own weaknesses and ultimately brought my husband and me closer. We have learned to be more vulnerable with each other, and I have discovered a capacity for forgiveness I didn’t know I had.
Through this experience, I have realized that all marriages are fragile and require nurturing. Your affair was a catalyst for growth in my relationship, and I now understand the importance of commitment in the face of adversity.
I recognize you owe me nothing, and by choosing to stay, I embraced the reality of your affair. I have been working through the pain, understanding that it’s a part of our story now, much like our marriage vows.
We are interconnected, you and I. Your actions had consequences that affected my life deeply, and acknowledging that connection is essential. I have come to forgive you for your role in this situation, even without an apology. I hope one day you might reflect on your choices and perhaps even feel some regret for them.
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In summary, my journey after infidelity has taught me resilience and the power of choice. I’ve learned that staying can be more challenging than leaving, and I embrace the complexities of my marriage, knowing I have grown through this experience.