As the back-to-school season rolls around, it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement—and I understand this all too well. The month leading up to my son Ethan’s first day of kindergarten was a whirlwind. Even with my part-time job at a community organization and managing my two rambunctious boys, I felt compelled to devote hours searching for the ultimate backpack that would mark Ethan’s entry into the world of education.
I started my quest by visiting all the popular local stores, scouring specialty shops, sporting goods retailers, toy stores, and even a couple of luggage outlets. When none of these yielded the elusive perfect backpack, I turned to the Internet—Lands’ End, L.L.Bean, and Amazon were all part of my search. Ultimately, I settled on a junior-sized, monogrammed backpack in a charming Caribbean blue. It looked simply adorable on Ethan.
I followed the same meticulous process with his lunch box and the thermos that would fit inside. As for the school supply list? That required a trek through five different office supply stores. I was determined that Ethan would have every specific item in the right quantity, brand, and color, as if those details were vital for his success.
I even selected the ideal outfit for his first day and suggested we lay out his wardrobe for the entire week in the new cubby organizer I had purchased. To top it off, I bought him a pair of trendy sneakers that, despite their $45 price tag and the knowledge he would probably outgrow them in a month, seemed necessary since all the boys were wearing them. A trip to the hair salon rounded out our preparations.
It was a lot of effort, and while it was stressful to check everything off my list, I felt a sense of accomplishment as my little boy was ready for his big day. Fast forward three years, and when my younger son, Liam, was set to start kindergarten, I found myself much more relaxed. I had learned that if I couldn’t find the precise 20-count Crayola box after the first couple of stores, sending him with a 24-count variety wouldn’t be the end of the world. And when he insisted he didn’t want a haircut, I let it slide. To compensate for my laid-back approach, I signed up as a classroom volunteer and even chaperoned field trips.
Outside of school, I was still the team parent for both boys’ soccer teams, looking for a new job, and training for a half-marathon. You get the picture.
Looking back, I wonder why I believed that finding the perfect backpack would make me a supermom. It’s a notion that seems trivial now, especially considering everything changed shortly after Liam started school. Just two weeks in, I received a shocking diagnosis of a rare form of lung cancer. Having lost my own mother to lung cancer, I feared the worst: not being there for my boys in the future.
Fortunately, doctors believed the cancer was localized, leading to a recommended surgery that involved removing half of my left lung. I spent eight days in the hospital, unable to see my boys due to hospital policies and my own fear of them witnessing my condition. The pain was overwhelming, and I missed significant moments, including Joshua’s third-grade fall concert.
As I recovered, my husband stepped up in ways I couldn’t have imagined, but the physical and emotional toll was immense. Months later, when another school year began, I realized I hadn’t done any of the usual back-to-school preparations. Yet, the year passed quietly, and now, two years after my diagnosis, we find ourselves at the beginning of another school year.
This time, my perspective has shifted dramatically. I genuinely don’t care what my boys wear on their first day, nor do I care which character is on Liam’s thermos or the color of Joshua’s lunch box. I’m even okay with sending unsharpened pencils to school. I’ve learned that these details don’t define my role as a mother.
So, I take a deep breath, filled with hope. I hope my boys make new friends this year, achieve academic success, and navigate the school environment free of bullying. But most importantly, I hope to be here next year to send them off once again, possibly with generic-brand shoes and unsharpened pencils tucked away in their well-loved backpacks.
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In summary, the journey of motherhood is filled with challenges and unexpected twists. What once seemed crucial has transformed into a deeper understanding of love, hope, and the value of simply being present for my kids.