Updated: Dec. 18, 2015
Originally Published: Aug. 16, 2015
Thinking back to my teenage years, I can feel my heart race at the thought of my parents revealing they were once married to someone else before finding each other. Thankfully, I never had to learn that about them. They’ve been happily married for over 40 years, always holding hands and sharing laughter. Now, I find myself in a similar situation, needing to share the same kind of news with my own kids to prevent it from becoming a hidden family secret.
I tied the knot at 29, but that marriage lasted only three years. My current spouse, Alex, was married even shorter, and thankfully, neither of us had children during those earlier unions. Both breakups were amicable, although they felt like monumental life events at the time. Friends would often say, “At least you didn’t have kids,” which only added to my frustration—if you’re going through a divorce, a year of reflection is more helpful than unsolicited advice.
While our friends were busy getting married and starting families, we were navigating the complexities of mediation, feeling the weight of financial responsibilities that seemed much less romantic without our partners by our sides. I joked that my dating profile could read SWD (single with dog), referring to my beloved pup, Charlie, who suffered from severe separation anxiety. I felt a profound connection with him—after all, I was experiencing my own separation anxiety.
The thought of explaining my divorce to a potential date at 32 filled me with dread. Would he think I had a house full of cats and a home shopping channel playing non-stop? What would his family think of him dating a divorcee? I worried about the opinions of friends, family, and even the clerk at the DMV when it came time to change my last name. At the time, it felt like I was living in a bubble where being divorced was still stigmatized.
Fast forward four years: I’m now happily remarried with two young children, ages 3 and 5. Yet, a new concern has surfaced—how to explain to them that both Alex and I were married before. I know this conversation must happen to avoid any awkward revelations from wedding photos or old coworkers mentioning my previous life.
Alex sees it as a non-issue, but it makes me anxious just thinking about it. My daughter recently asked about divorce, and I did my best to explain it in a way that a 5-year-old could understand: “Sometimes, two people decide not to stay married for various reasons—they might not get along or something hurtful might happen. That won’t happen to Mom and Dad,” I reassured her. She even divorced her imaginary friend, Mr. Sprout, because he was “mean,” so maybe she does grasp the concept.
I ponder whether I should introduce the fact that Alex and I have both been divorced. I want to avoid frightening her, but I also don’t want to keep it a secret. Should this be a casual mention, or a more structured conversation? How do you explain a past mistake that was painful but ultimately led to the happiness we have now?
I suppose the best approach is simply to tell them. It’s a story of growth and love.
For more insights on navigating parenting and relationships, visit this link. Also, for those exploring family planning, check out this resource for authoritative advice. And if you’re looking for information on pregnancy, the CDC offers excellent resources.
Summary
In this article, Jenna Harper reflects on the challenge of explaining past marriages to her young children. Having experienced divorce herself, she considers how to approach the topic delicately while ensuring her kids don’t discover it by chance. Ultimately, she realizes that honesty can create a meaningful dialogue about love, growth, and family.