Updated: August 3, 2016
Originally Published: August 16, 2015
My lifelong obsession with Madonna began early in life and has only deepened over the years. Like many of you, my first dance performance was to “Lucky Star.” Critics thought my infatuation wouldn’t last, yet my love for her has remained as steadfast as my preteen admiration. In fact, it has only grown stronger through the years. Rebel Heart is undoubtedly her best album, and the recent hints about her upcoming tour have sent me into a frenzy, especially as I try to figure out how to afford the steep ticket prices—close to $1,000 each! I mean, pole-dancing nuns? That’s got to be for “Holy Water.” I simply must be there.
Given that I’m currently at home with a toddler, our family budget doesn’t exactly include a line item for Madonna tickets. I know, poor planning on my part! How did I not set up a “Madonna Fund” before becoming a parent?
WWMD? (What Would Madonna Do?)
I brainstormed possible ways to fund some decent, lower-tier tickets with swag (because if I’m going, I want a souvenir T-shirt). Here are some ideas:
- Maybe I should consider elimination communication. By ditching diapers, I could save around $45 a box on landfill fillers. However, being on constant poop patrol might make it challenging to tackle any of the work-at-home mom gigs I found on Pinterest.
- I signed up for online surveys through Swagbucks, only to discover the payout would take ages and come in the form of Starbucks gift cards. I’m pretty sure Madonna wouldn’t perform in exchange for a lifetime supply of coffee.
- eBay could work. I could sell items I no longer use—roller skates, a wetsuit, Louboutin pumps, my stove. However, I’d probably end up with around $6 after shipping costs and debates over the authenticity of my slightly scuffed red soles.
- I considered GoFundMe or Kickstarter. Do people really contribute to self-indulgent causes? Would my friends and family think I was joking about my fundraising efforts, especially after they forgot to invite Madonna to my baby shower? Yes, she was on my must-invite list!
- Auctioning my out-of-print copy of Sex might bring in some cash, but what true Madonna fan would part with that piece of history? It’s so bad that it’s good.
- It’s becoming clear that selling a kidney might be my only viable option.
Let’s take a moment to reflect on the events leading up to my current predicament. As a child, I faced chronic financial limitations and missed out on attending the Like a Virgin Tour while my friends donned white lace and crosses. I was so envious of my fellow Boy Toy Nation, and I didn’t even know what a blow job was at the time.
When HBO aired the Blonde Ambition Tour and The Girlie Show Tour, I caught glimpses of what I was missing. My fate seemed to be watching her concerts from the comfort of my living room, but my devotion never wavered. I even spent countless hours glued to MTV during Madonna’s pregnancy, when the channel dedicated an entire day to tracking her hospital room. Looking back, that was a bit creepy, but at that moment, I was completely captivated.
The Drowned World and Re-Invention tours came and went, making it glaringly obvious that seeing Madonna live was becoming increasingly unlikely. Just when I had resigned myself to this reality, a friend surprised me with a ticket to the Confessions Tour friends and family performance. I cried tears of joy and felt like I’d won a pageant. Finally, I was close enough to see the sweat on her brow! The energy in that venue was electrifying, and I was hooked, promising myself that I would never miss another Madonna concert.
With Hard Candy, I flew to Las Vegas with my best friend for a truly unforgettable experience, coming back with a Sticky & Sweet Tour jacket and a mug that eventually chipped and shattered. Although MDNA wasn’t my favorite album, I waited until 10:30 p.m. while eight months pregnant to see her perform—no regrets, not even the swollen ankles that followed.
Now, knowing my history with Madonna, you can understand my heartache over potentially missing what promises to be the most epic concert of her career. Unfortunately, selling organs is illegal in the United States. Even if I could sell a kidney, I know many deserving people are waiting for transplants, and I want to keep mine in case my kids ever need one.
Like Madonna, I’m a mom, and that comes first. We’ve watched her grow up in the spotlight, challenge societal norms, and inspire change while encouraging us all to get into the groove. So while I may be sitting this one out, my love for the Queen will never fade. I’m at peace with this, but I might find myself desperately seeking a scalper come October.
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Summary
This piece reflects on the author’s deep, lifelong admiration for Madonna and the challenges of affording concert tickets while managing a family budget. It humorously explores various (and often impractical) fundraising ideas, recounts past concert experiences, and ultimately concludes with acceptance of missing the upcoming tour while maintaining a strong connection to Madonna’s music.