As my daughter transitioned from 12 to 13, a brightly colored sign appeared on her bedroom door: “PRIVATE. DO NOT ENTER!!!!!” Adorned with fruity-smelling markers and cheerful daisy stickers, the exclamations conveyed her need for privacy loud and clear.
Throughout her seventh-grade year, the messages grew more inventive. Being a fan of Dr. Who, one sign proclaimed, “Enter at your own risk: Guarded by Daleks.” She even crafted a comic-style list detailing humorous yet gruesome consequences for any intruders brave enough to enter her sanctuary.
While she never overtly complained about my occasional unannounced visits, the signs clearly signified her journey into adolescence—a transition from my little girl to a young woman claiming her own space. This was no longer just her room; it was a Room of Her Own, Junior Edition.
Initially, I felt a pang of sadness as I was gently nudged out of the paradise of her childhood. But then I realized: it’s essential for my daughters to carve out their own spaces. We are incredibly fortunate to have each other while also valuing our need for solitude. As the saying goes, good fences make good neighbors, and a few closed doors can enhance our family’s harmony.
My eldest daughter began this trend two and a half years earlier, shutting her door each night before bed. There were moments when I’d knock for what felt like an eternity, sometimes growing impatient and banging on the door when she didn’t respond. This was particularly frustrating since she still struggled to wake up on her own in the mornings.
I would often exclaim, “How can you lock me out and still rely on me for so much?” What I really wanted to ask—yet never did—was, “Why wouldn’t you want me around?”
However, with my second daughter, I find it much easier to accept her locked doors and whimsically decorated signs. Having navigated this journey once before, I’ve seen my eldest emerge from the tangled web of teenage life. Now almost 17, she no longer views me as embarrassing. Instead, she’s polite and sweet, which makes it easier for me to respect her need for space.
My younger daughter is also a budding writer, much like myself. She often spends hours crafting imaginative tales, such as a reimagined Cinderella featuring a blue-haired alien. At her age, she excels at beginnings but sometimes struggles to finish her stories. She even writes heartfelt song lyrics in the style of Carrie Underwood, reflecting on heartbreaks she has yet to experience, alongside an endless stream of poetry.
So when she retreats to her room, I understand that she’s not merely escaping from me; she’s seeking a deeper connection with herself. Like Virginia Woolf noted nearly a century ago, a woman who writes—regardless of her age—requires a nurturing space for her imagination to flourish.
I relate to this need, as I often spend entire days searching for a quiet corner to write, free from the distractions of dishes and work emails. My house, shared with my husband, is a wonderful blessing, yet sometimes I long for a dedicated space just for my writing. If I had that room, I would proudly post a sign declaring: “KEEP OUT! WRITER AT WORK!!!!!!!!!” without the daisy stickers.
I still occasionally venture into my daughters’ spaces, but after gaining experience as a mom to teenagers, my judgment has improved. I know when to enforce the rules without hesitation—yes, you must clean up after dinner and no, you can’t watch that show until homework is done. Yet, I’ve also learned to allow them to enjoy their time alone as they wish.
In two years, my oldest will graduate high school, and in five, my youngest will be turning 19. Eventually, they will embark on their own journeys, finding and claiming their own rooms, deciding how to inhabit them. The signs will eventually come down as they grow more confident in their identities.
Once my daughters are independent, I’ll have ample time to write. And I know I will miss those playful signs on their doors.
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Summary:
As daughters grow into their teenage years, they begin to assert their independence by creating personal spaces, such as decorating their bedroom doors with signs that signal their need for privacy. While this transition can be bittersweet for parents, it’s essential for young women to have their own rooms where their creativity can flourish. The author reflects on her experiences with both of her daughters, acknowledging the importance of solitude for self-discovery. As they prepare to leave home, the author anticipates both the joy of their independence and the nostalgia of their childhood.