“I apologize, but it’s the Asperger’s.” This was the emotional response my nearly seven-year-old daughter, Lily, offered after a tumultuous meltdown in her classroom the previous day, during which she had abruptly declared her best friend no longer a friend.
As a concerned parent of a child with Asperger’s, I attempted to guide her away from this phrasing, suggesting it sounded more like an excuse than a genuine apology. I wanted her to express remorse sincerely, to tap into the empathy I know she possesses, even if it doesn’t always surface exactly when needed.
“Perhaps you could say you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, and that she truly is your friend, promising not to yell again…” I suggested.
“It’s not an excuse,” she retorted matter-of-factly. “It’s the truth, and that’s what I’m going to say.”
Despite my efforts to reshape her understanding of apologies, she boarded the bus that morning still anxious, obsessing over the fact that I needed to write an apology note for her. The thought of writing overwhelmed her, and she felt the urgency to do it right away. She also declared she wouldn’t speak to her friend that day, too scared to face her.
As I reflected on my feelings of inadequacy as a mother, I realized I was trying too hard. In my quest to teach her about “Theory of Mind,” the idea that others can have different thoughts and feelings, I inadvertently minimized her struggles.
The Misunderstood Challenges
This is a common occurrence. Due to her high-functioning capabilities, many people perceive her as being more in control than she truly is. They often overlook sensory overload, challenges in social situations, and fine motor skill difficulties that, while significant, don’t meet the threshold for occupational therapy. They may judge her behavior as spoiled or undisciplined, failing to understand the complexities of her condition.
At times, she reminds me of a modern-day Veruca Salt, fixating on acquiring yet another stuffed animal, believing it will alleviate her feelings of overwhelm amidst the sensory chaos and social demands that are too much for her to process at that moment. The object of her focus offers a straightforward solution, something tangible to cling to when everything else feels chaotic.
A Difficult Day at School
After the school incident, she called from the principal’s office. “I’m having a hard day,” she said, explaining how her friend had declined her birthday invitation, leading her to declare their friendship over, though she intended it as sarcasm.
“Sweetheart, that’s not sarcasm,” I replied, feeling defeated. Sarcasm has always been confusing for her, and she tried to frame her hurtful comment as something she didn’t mean. I mentally noted the need to clarify sarcasm further while encouraging her to apologize.
I was quick to correct her mistakes, pointing out that tantrums and yelling at friends are not acceptable, and addressing her misuse of the word “sarcasm.” But I also recognized that she was grappling with disappointment and confusion over her friend’s polite response, overwhelmed by emotions that left her unable to think logically.
Finding Understanding
While I feel sorry for the hurt my daughter caused, as well as for the challenges she presents to the adults in her life, I also understand that her condition plays a role. Yes, she’s intelligent, pretty, and charming most of the time, but she will sometimes react in socially inappropriate ways, defying expectations. And yes, she may very well be wearing a sparkly dress when it happens.
It may not make sense to outsiders, but I have to remind myself: “It’s the Asperger’s.”
Fortunately, her teacher later informed me that Lily did manage to apologize to her friend at school that day. She found a way to express her remorse on her own terms, and I couldn’t be prouder of her for taking that step.
Further Insights
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Conclusion
In summary, parenting a child with Asperger’s involves understanding their unique perspective and emotional responses. While it can be challenging, it’s essential to recognize their struggles and celebrate their achievements, no matter how small.