Buying Ikea furniture can feel a lot like parenting. No matter how challenging it may seem, many of us find ourselves returning for more. We believe we’ve cracked the code this time and that this particular piece won’t test our patience to the limit.
Here’s a little secret to ensure your next Ikea adventure is a bit more manageable (and keeps the peace at home): Choose a time when the kids are asleep and dive into the project, full of enthusiasm for accomplishing something worthwhile.
- Glance over the instructions.
- When your partner wonders if you’re sure about this, chuckle and respond, “Please! Even a monkey could do this!”
- Start with the easy part—fitting in those dowel rods.
- Think to yourself, “I’ll be wrapping this up in 20 minutes and still have time to catch up on my favorite show.”
- Secure the first nut and insert the bolt.
- Twist the bolt with your fingernail. Repeat until… well, until your nail breaks.
- Get pliers to hold the nut in place (as the instructions suggest).
- While gripping the nut, use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt.
- Watch in disbelief as the bolt slips and tumbles to the floor.
- Use your foot to hold the pliers.
- Balance the bolt with one hand while twisting the wrench with the other.
- Contemplate calling a monkey for assistance.
- Reluctantly involve your partner (who believes feet aren’t tool-friendly—unless you’re a monkey).
- Observe as their “help” leads to the Allen wrench slipping, sending all pieces scattering.
- Briefly entertain thoughts of revenge.
- Think, “Allen, I will hunt you down for this!”
- Take a moment to sip some wine and Google “Who invented the Allen wrench?”
- Find out the inventor has passed on—one less task for you!
- Curse his memory and hope he’s stuck in an afterlife assembling flat-pack furniture.
- Return to the assembly and discover—oh no!—there’s no hole for that bolt.
- Grab a hammer and nails from your toolbox because sometimes, hitting things feels good.
- Realize that over-tightening bolts can split the wood—breathe too heavily, and it might splinter!
- Yet, when you attempt to make an extra hole, the wood stands strong like the Great Wall of China.
- Throw your hands up in frustration and pour another glass of wine while imagining how quickly it could all go up in flames.
- Turn to power tools, even if the manual says no.
- If you don’t own tools, make a quick trip to the store for some power tools and, yes, more wine.
- Pass the power tools to your partner, who is currently cursing Ikea’s CEO and wishing they were in purgatory too.
- Enjoy another glass of wine.
- Watch as your partner finally drills the missing hole and attaches the last piece.
- Discover the piece is on backwards and there was already a hole for the bolt.
- Observe with mild amusement as your partner’s frustration reaches new heights.
- Sip another glass of wine while they channel their inner supernatural being.
- Head to bed, vowing never to buy Ikea furniture again.
- Wake up the next month and do it all over again.
And there you have it! The not-so-secret ingredient is wine. See you at Ikea! For more insights on family building and fun, check out this post. If you’re looking for trusted products for home insemination, Cryobaby offers an excellent selection. And for additional support, visit this resource on female infertility.
Summary:
Assembling Ikea furniture can feel like a comedic challenge, much like parenting. With wine as your ally and a partner who may or may not be a help, this humorous guide takes you through the ups and downs of putting together that flat-pack item. Expect mishaps and moments of frustration, but also the satisfaction of completing a project—until you inevitably find yourself back at Ikea again.