At 35, I found out I was expecting my first child. As an actress, I felt that 35 was essentially the same as 40 in my profession. In fact, turning 40 often feels like being seated at the Last Chance Café. Or so I believed.
At 20 weeks pregnant, while waiting for an audition, I jotted down some thoughts in my notebook—my initial indication that I was approaching a “certain age.” Here’s what I noted:
- Motherhood is an exhilarating journey, filled with ups and downs, but it’s not the only thing I’m experiencing. I’m an actress, and while I might be sitting out a few seasons, my passion remains.
- I want my daughter to see me as a working actress. I aim to teach her about auditions and the craft of breaking down characters. I want her to appreciate that studying a script is part of my job.
- My motivation has intensified with impending motherhood. Regardless of how modest my successes may be after her birth, it’s vital that she sees me striving and working hard.
After writing this, I felt nauseous and rushed to the bathroom. Pregnancy was a whirlwind of emotions and challenges, leading to sleepless nights and a new kind of love that I had never known. Work-life balance? Maybe someday.
Now, at 40, I’m back auditioning again. Surprisingly, during my five-year hiatus, I honed my skills. I sat in a casting office recently, observing the younger actors chatting nervously—some sharing stories of recent TV roles, others discussing roommate searches in the city, all while checking their appearances.
As I signed in for my audition on a sleek iPad—quite a change from when I last auditioned—I pulled out my trusty spiral notebook. (I admit, my headshots and resumes are neatly organized in a Trapper Keeper. No secrets here!) Here’s my new list:
- I feel remarkably calm before auditions. Perhaps motherhood grounded me, shifting my focus on what truly matters.
- I’m unconcerned about what others think of me. While they assess their competition, I know I’m not competing; I’ll get the role if I’m the right fit.
- I feel more confident in my appearance at 40. Maybe it’s my hair, or perhaps it’s just a new perspective.
- I’m determined to excel in this audition. If I don’t land the part, I know it won’t be due to a poor performance.
- My lists also include Cheerios, sunscreen, and applesauce—priorities have shifted!
Five years ago, my agents dropped me as I embraced the journey of motherhood. My aspirations faded as I focused on the health of my baby and adapting to this new life. I felt overwhelmed and uncertain, watching my career slip away as I immersed myself in nurturing my child.
Now, looking back, I almost feel sympathy for the younger actors fretting before auditions. They worry about their lines, appearing anxious on camera, and questioning their place in the industry.
When I was a child, a family friend who was a successful actress advised me to walk into auditions with confidence, thinking, “The solution to your problem just walked in. I’m exactly what you need.” I called her recently to share that years later, I finally embraced that wisdom. At 40, I can walk into a casting office knowing I’m what they’re looking for.
Who knew that dedicating five years to the unglamorous role of motherhood would lead to newfound confidence, beauty, and self-assuredness?
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In summary, the transition from 35 to 40 has been transformative. Once filled with uncertainty, I now approach auditions with confidence and clarity, shaped by my experiences as a mother.