For four years, I immersed myself in the study of relationships. I absorbed all the latest research on nurturing partnerships and mending those that have frayed. I poured over books, attended seminars, watched countless videos, and learned far more than I could possibly remember about healthy relationships and family dynamics. I can analyze a family’s interactions within minutes, discerning the backgrounds of the parents and the parenting styles shaping their children. I know relationships, families, and marriages. Yet, I often find it incredibly challenging to apply this knowledge to my own life.
Recently, I reflected on an incredible trip my partner, Jake, and I took in January to celebrate both our graduation and anniversary—a special occasion I playfully dubbed our “graduaversary.” It was a magical getaway filled with adventure, relaxation, and joy—the best vacation of my life. However, instead of reminiscing about the thrilling volcano hike, waterfall rappelling, or exhilarating zip-lining high above the rainforest, I found myself fixated on a solitary walk I took on the beach. During that 45-minute stroll, I almost convinced myself that leaving my family behind and starting anew in Costa Rica might be the answer.
The day didn’t begin with the beach walk; it started six hours earlier with a chilly “good morning” and a subdued breakfast. Jake, typically not a morning person, had been surprisingly agreeable throughout the trip. So when he awoke tense and snapped at me during breakfast, I sensed something was amiss. Instead of inquiring about his mood, I brushed off his attitude and continued on with my day. Here are three mistakes I made that ultimately hurt both of us:
Mistake #1: Turning Away Instead of Toward Him
I had an opportunity to foster open communication that could have brought us closer, but I chose to retreat into my own world. After breakfast, we settled at our favorite poolside cabana, and I became engrossed in my book, momentarily forgetting Jake’s mood. I fell into the role of the emotionally detached spouse, thinking I was above letting his behavior affect me. That illusion shattered when I attempted small talk and was met with silence.
Feeling sorry for myself, I thought, How dare he ruin my day!? The final straw came when I asked him to grab me a drink from the bar. I was in a swimsuit, and he was fully dressed—asking for that small favor seemed reasonable to me. Instead, I was met with hostility and insults, leaving me feeling insignificant. And when I feel insignificant, I tend to get angry. Jake stormed off to our room, and I remained at the pool, fuming and unable to concentrate on my book. Then an insight struck me: he only behaves unkindly when his needs are unmet.
Mistake #2: Resentment Instead of Compassion
I realized Jake was in emotional distress, yet instead of extending a helping hand, I let resentment fester. Within moments, I recalled past instances where he had made me feel undervalued. Though he had needs that he hadn’t communicated, my feelings took precedence. I let an hour pass before heading back to our room, convinced that he would be ready to apologize by then.
Mistake #3: Seeking Connection Through Receiving Rather Than Giving
When I returned to the room, I found Jake lying in bed, engrossed in golf. I hovered around, waiting for him to apologize, but those words never came. I refused to apologize myself, as I believed I had done nothing wrong. Instead of expressing concern with something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling down. Want to talk?” I opted for this gem: “Are you seriously going to sulk in here all day? What a waste of an expensive vacation!” After that, I dressed and suggested he join me if he wanted to stop wallowing. Unsurprisingly, he chose to stay put.
That’s when the walk began. Strolling along the beach, I fantasized about the joys of being single—no responsibilities, no feelings to consider. Yet, as I reveled in this imagined freedom, a realization hit me: Jake was hurting and needed my compassion and understanding. I fought against it, wanting to cling to my vision of a carefree life, but I couldn’t shake the knowledge that my husband needed me. I had left him alone in his distress when he needed my kindness the most.
While I wish I could say that since that day we’ve argued less and approached each other with unwavering love and understanding, the truth is more complex. After eight years together, we have improved; our fights are less frequent, our tempers are more controlled, and apologies come faster. Yet, we still have our moments of selfishness and anger. We may argue loudly, give each other the silent treatment, or sleep in separate beds. But through it all, we continue to invest in our relationship, practicing grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Most importantly, we strive to understand ourselves and each other better.
No matter how much I know about relationships, I learn something new every day from my marriage. I work on turning toward Jake instead of away from him, on being aware of his needs, and on offering rather than expecting. Most crucially, I continue to fight for our marriage, even in tough times, because it is worth every effort.
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Summary
In relationships, it’s easy to make mistakes, especially when emotions run high. By turning away from communication, allowing resentment to take root, and seeking connection through receiving rather than giving, we can inadvertently harm our partnerships. It’s essential to acknowledge our partner’s needs, foster open dialogue, and actively choose compassion and understanding to strengthen our bonds. Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, but the commitment to grow together makes all the difference.