September 5, 2015
About six months after I transitioned away from breastfeeding my first child, I experienced a panic attack while on an airplane, my son peacefully resting in my arms. I can still picture the moment—my husband glanced at me, confusion etched on his face, as my heart raced and sweat dripped down my forehead, soaking my shirt. Unsure of how to help, he gently took our son from me while I was engulfed in my spiraling anxiety. All I wanted was to breathe; nothing else mattered at that moment. My hands trembled, and my stomach churned. I don’t even remember how I came out of it, but I recall feeling nauseous, disoriented, and utterly lost for the rest of the day.
Following that overwhelming panic attack, I faced more of them, though not frequently. Yet, each episode chipped away at my sense of self. I felt tearful and fragile, as if I could unravel at any moment. I struggled to grasp my identity—not only as a new mother, but as a person in general.
Seeking help, I visited a therapist who diagnosed me with adjustment disorder, potentially exacerbated by hormonal changes after abruptly stopping breastfeeding. During several sessions, I shed tears and engaged in deep discussions. Eventually, I formulated “The Plan,” which my therapist fully endorsed.
The essence of The Plan was to take a break from motherhood. Writing that felt strange. My son was only 15 months old, and I craved a respite from being a mom? Guilt crept in, but I pressed on. The Plan involved leaving my husband and our home in Colorado—where he was focused on launching his business—for 15 weeks. I intended to move back in with my parents in California, where I would work full-time to cover a maternity leave at the physical therapy clinic where I’d spent four years, while my mom cared for my son during the day.
And so, I took those 15 weeks for myself. Slowly, I began to rediscover who I was—not just through my familiar work with old colleagues but also through the nurturing care of my mother. Each evening, I returned home to the warmth of a home-cooked meal, neatly folded laundry, and the joyful cuddles of my content baby.
Remarkably, my panic attacks ceased as suddenly as they had begun. More importantly, I watched my mom care for my child with an ease and grace that I had been missing since that breathless moment on the plane. Every night, I looked forward to hearing tales of their daily escapades: “He walked all the way to the beach today!” or “He played hide-and-seek in the mall and gave me quite a scare!”
When the 15 weeks came to an end, parting with my mom and son was heart-wrenching. She made it clear that my son had become her little buddy, and I was fortunate she was letting me take him back home.
To this day, my mother and son share a unique bond forged during those long days filled with sandcastles, slides, and sunshine. They provided me with the space I needed to grow into my role as his mother.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize when you need nurturing as a mother. Whether through therapy, support from family, or simply taking a break, prioritizing your well-being can lead to a healthier relationship with your child and yourself.