Just as the school year was about to kick off, I stumbled upon a shocking revelation: my daughters were infested with lice. Not just a stray nit here or there, but actual brown bugs wreaking havoc in their lovely long locks. Naturally, I panicked. I mean, really, I totally PANICKED.
“OH NO, WE HAVE LICE! GET IN THE CAR! WE NEED TO GET TO THE PHARMACY! WAIT! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”
After grabbing four boxes of Nix, I returned home—not to my cozy haven, but to the dreaded LICE HQ! Those little critters were lurking, just waiting to jump onto our heads and lay their eggs. The audacity!
To give you an idea of the sheer terror that gripped my clean-freak, type-A self, let me set the scene: While I was slathering Nix into my girls’ hair and yelling, “Stay AWAY from everything!!” I was simultaneously dictating a frantic text to my friend, Mia, to inform her of this “situation.” With her usual kindness, she sent back supportive messages:
- “You’ve got this, Jessica!”
- “At least the girls aren’t sick!”
- “Just take a deep breath!”
But when the soothing texts didn’t help to calm my near-hyperventilation, Mia knew what was needed. In a secret mission, she swooped into my neighborhood, parked her car in my driveway, rang the doorbell, and sped off. When I opened the door, still in a state of shock, I found a heartfelt note, a bottle of chardonnay, and a bag of chocolates. Mia understood I was on the edge of despair. Bless her.
The thing about lice is that when you think you can handle them on your own, they mock you. I swear, I could hear their laughter: “You found some nits? Ha! But we’ve got plenty more hidden away on those billions of hair strands over there. BWAHAHAHA!” And just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, those little monsters change their baby nits’ colors on you! Sometimes they lay white eggs, and then suddenly they’re brown! HOW IS THIS FAIR?!
And the adult lice? They’re HUGE and so gross that you start to feel a wave of disgust wash over you, making you wish you could just shave your kids’ heads to rid yourselves of the problem. But then you remember that your daughters would despise you forever, possibly leading to a downward spiral into a gang lifestyle, which would inevitably end with you crying on a daytime talk show. So, you keep picking nits and applying your boxes of Nix.
Three days in, when it became clear that the four boxes of Nix were ineffective? THAT’S when true panic set in.
In between washing every piece of clothing in the house repeatedly and vacuuming every inch of our home, I resorted to dousing my girls’ hair in olive oil. I’d heard it could “drown” the lice. Drown them? My girls had practically lived in the pool for two weeks, and those little bastards were still thriving! But I decided to give it a shot. Since I wouldn’t let them sit on the couches for fear of lice contamination, I had them perch on towels on the hardwood floor, watching endless hours of TV while I cleaned and wept.
Four school days missed for the girls, and I had missed four days of work, while my husband seemed to breathe a sigh of relief every time he left for work. My routine had morphed into this:
- Wake up. Realize the lice infestation was still here.
- Fantasize about shaving heads.
- Consider divorce.
- Yearn for wine.
- Yearn for coffee.
- Drag myself out of bed.
- Drink coffee.
- Sit Daughter #1 down for a nit-picking session.
- Daughter #1 howls and complains.
- Curse the school for the lice invasion.
- Find some nits but no live bugs.
- Experience fleeting hope, then despair.
- Douse heads in olive oil.
- Repeat with Daughter #2.
- Wash EVERYTHING again.
- Curse my husband for being employed.
- Wonder if it’s too early for wine.
- Wash out the olive oil and check for nits again.
This exhausting cycle continued for two more days until—miracle of miracles! A message reached me through a friend about a top-secret place nearby that specializes in eliminating lice! They charged about $200 a head, but they guaranteed their services! WHY WASN’T I TOLD ABOUT THIS SOONER?
I called this mysterious lice extermination center, and a friendly voice answered. I explained our “emergency,” feeling like a total failure. She asked me to come right in, assuring me it sounded serious.
The office was tucked behind some storage units, and I could faintly hear a dog barking in the distance. A chain-link fence separated us from an auto-repair shop, with a questionable character nearby. I hurried my girls into a place aptly named “The Lice Eradicators.”
Two hours later, I was crowned the ultimate Lice Slayer! The staff praised my nit-picking skills and confirmed that I had successfully eradicated the entire lice population from my daughters’ heads. They practically presented me with a medal and only charged me a $20 fee for the head check. I left feeling victorious, as if I’d just conquered a war.
Lice are no laughing matter. They’re creepy and gross, and they can test even the strongest of marriages (just kidding!). If you know someone whose family is dealing with lice, do them a favor: bring wine and chocolate. Actually, just bring the wine.
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Summary
The article recounts a parent’s frantic battle against a lice infestation found in her daughters’ hair just before school resumed. The narrative covers the initial panic, various unsuccessful treatments, and the emotional toll it takes on her family. After several exhausting days of cleaning and nit-picking, she discovers a specialized lice removal service that ultimately brings her relief. The piece humorously highlights the challenges of dealing with lice while also emphasizing the importance of supporting friends in similar predicaments.