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The One Phrase I Wish We Could Eliminate from Conversations Among Moms
My close friend, Emma, is a single mom whose daily routine resembles a meticulously planned military operation. She rises early to nurse her baby while her toddler enjoys a cartoon, then it’s time to whip up breakfast, dress the kids, and pack lunches. While the little ones are entertained by yet another show, she scrambles to get herself ready for work. There’s the drop-off at daycare and nursery school, a hurried subway ride, a day at the office, and then the mad dash to pick them up again. Once home, she manages grocery shopping, prepares dinner, gives baths, and finds time to pump milk while her older child watches his third show of the day. Finally, she reads them a story and cleans up the kitchen before collapsing into bed, knowing she’ll barely get enough sleep.
Despite this whirlwind, Emma rarely complains. However, during a recent school pickup, she expressed her wish for her kids to watch less TV. Another mom chimed in with, “Can’t you just put out some crayons or crafts? That should keep them entertained for a bit.” Emma sighed, acknowledging that while crayons might work briefly, the TV reliably captivates them for a good 10 to 20 minutes. Plus, cleanup from the crafts was an added burden.
Another friend, who juggles a demanding job, lamented about her reliance on prepared meals for dinner. A well-meaning mom suggested, “Can’t you just prep meals on the weekends and reheat them during the week?” My friend quickly responded, “Not exactly, the weekends are already packed with errands and childcare.”
These exchanges were not hostile; our mom group is generally supportive, and the suggestions were intended to be helpful. Still, they can leave the mom feeling a bit undermined, as if they should be managing everything perfectly. The truth is, many of us struggle to fulfill the myriad expectations placed on mothers. I have a flexible job, yet I still find it challenging to squeeze in cooking, exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and quality time with my children. Often, I can’t accomplish any of those things in a given day. Sure, I appreciate hacks like quick cleaning tips or recipes that yield multiple meals, but they don’t address the fundamental issue of time constraints. It would be kinder to acknowledge that not every challenge has a straightforward solution—sometimes it means opting for takeout or allowing extra screen time.
I experienced my own “can’t you just…” moment when my second son was just six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park in Manhattan, which was a subway ride away from our Brooklyn home. I didn’t go because the logistics felt overwhelming. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and bring a travel stroller?” While technically feasible, the thought of managing a backpack, holding my 3-year-old’s hand, and coordinating nursing and naps was too much. I felt guilty for not making the trip happen for my son, but I was simply exhausted.
This phrase may seem trivial, but it can make overwhelmed parents feel even worse about their realities. Not every mom can whip up homemade meals, fit in workouts, or keep a spotless home. Sometimes, all you want is to unwind with a pint of ice cream after a long day.
So let’s collectively agree to retire this phrase from our mom conversations. It’s not our role to solve each other’s problems, especially when most of us are already aware of the solutions. Instead, let’s embrace the idea that sometimes it’s okay to say, “You’re doing great!” or “Stouffer’s frozen meals can be a lifesaver!” It’s tempting to offer advice, but often, the best support is simply acknowledging the effort.
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In summary, let’s focus on offering support rather than unsolicited advice. Sometimes, all a mom needs is a reminder that she’s doing just fine.