Parenting
The Epic Butt Wiping Standoff by Jamie Carter
September 9, 2015
Being a parent is so much more than just tending to scraped knees and milk spills. It’s an unparalleled journey of trial and error, an ongoing experiment in the grandest sense. When you discover something that works? You cling to it like a lifeline, celebrating every moment until it inevitably fails—often just minutes later. And in that fleeting moment of success, you might find yourself chaotically bouncing between piles of laundry, ecstatic and pulling your hair in glee, thinking, “I did it!” Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, looking like a frenzied scientist, and you reel it in, but that little cheer in your mind persists: “I achieved victory!”
Then, you have another child. You feel invincible, armed with all the wisdom from your first experience. Parenting level: Master Wizard. But then reality hits: none of your previous strategies apply. You might as well be attempting to create a new form of transportation.
And here I am—knee-deep in this dilemma.
When my first son finally mastered potty training, he took charge. I taught him how to wipe, and that was that. Unfortunately, this often meant my laundry was a bit more “interesting”—to put it lightly. It was rather gross, to be honest. Once you give your little one that responsibility, it’s tough to backtrack and say, “You know, you’re not very good at this. Maybe I should help you out.” Nope, not happening. So I would quietly scrub out the stains, giving him occasional refresher courses on proper technique.
Clearly, that approach didn’t yield the desired results. I’m not oblivious; if something isn’t working, it’s time to pivot.
When my second child began to show readiness for potty training, I devised a new plan. I would wipe for him until he figured it out. Seemed harmless enough, right? I had been doing it since day one; a few more months wouldn’t hurt. That was two years ago, and I’m still in the role of “Mommy the Wiper.” And I’m over it. Sadly, he isn’t.
You might be wondering, “But who wipes him at school?” Well, he doesn’t poop at school. He hasn’t had a bowel movement outside our home in nearly three years. I went away for 48 hours last spring, and he didn’t go until I returned. No joke.
Finally, we broached the subject.
Me: “Hey buddy, how about you start wiping your own butt?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “It’s super easy! I can show you.”
Him: “No.”
Alright, time for a different approach.
Me: “Don’t you want to wipe like a big boy?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “But having privacy and the freedom to go whenever you want is nice. Don’t you want that?”
Him: “No.”
It’s clear when something isn’t working, and this whole “passive mommy” approach was failing miserably. I may have lost my cool a little.
Me: “Listen, I’ve had it with wiping your butt.”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Seriously. You’re in pre-k now; it’s time to learn. You need to do this.”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Alright, I didn’t want to resort to this, but you have to start wiping yourself. I’m done. Do you get it?”
Him: “No.”
It’s been three days since he last pooped. Somehow, this is working for me.
For more insights and experiences, check out our other post on home insemination. And if you’re looking for an authoritative source on this topic, visit Make A Mom. Also, Johns Hopkins Medicine provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Parenting is an unpredictable adventure filled with strategies that can fail just as quickly as they succeed. With each child, you may find yourself reinventing the wheel, especially when it comes to tasks like potty training. What worked for one child may not work for the next, leaving you to navigate the challenges with creativity and patience.