Dear Stranger at the Shoe Store,
You may not recall our brief encounter from a few weeks ago, but I certainly do. While on vacation, my family stopped by a shoe store where my son, a lively 5-year-old, dashed off to explore the aisles. You kindly directed us and struck up a conversation, asking him about his upcoming school year. Then, without warning, you reached out and touched his hair.
Had it not been for that moment, I might have dismissed our interaction entirely. But your prolonged touch on his curls left me feeling uneasy. It felt like an eternity, although it was probably just a few seconds. I watched as you ran your fingers through his little mohawk—what he affectionately calls his “monkey-hawk.” In that moment, I found myself paralyzed, grappling with the urge to intervene and voice my discomfort, yet I remained silent. My instinct to maintain politeness overshadowed my responsibility to protect my child.
As a white mother with a Black son, I’ve encountered situations like this before. Often, a gentle pat or a curious touch feels more intrusive than friendly. My protective instincts surge when I witness these moments, fueled by the desire to shield him from becoming an object of curiosity. I want to ensure he never feels “different” in predominantly white spaces and that his personal boundaries are respected.
I wrestled with our encounter long after our vacation ended, discussing it with my husband, family, and friends, especially those in mixed-race families. I reached out to friends of color to see if their kids have experienced similar situations. I even asked a friend whose daughter has beautiful curly hair if people often touch her hair. This left me wondering if my feelings were valid and why I was so troubled—beyond my disappointment in not speaking up.
Your touch may have seemed innocent, but it speaks to a broader issue of respect for personal space. A Black friend of mine explained that touching someone’s hair, particularly in the Black community, is often seen as intrusive due to the cultural significance and care associated with it. Many people, particularly those unfamiliar with that culture, don’t understand this boundary, which is likely why it tends to be white people who engage in such actions.
I acknowledge your curiosity, but I want to emphasize that it’s not acceptable to invade my son’s space for your own satisfaction. Sometimes, curiosity goes unfulfilled; we are not entitled to satisfy our interests at the expense of someone else’s comfort.
Right now, I’m teaching my son that his body is his own. He deserves the right to express discomfort and set boundaries. Although he’s too young to fully grasp the race implications of these interactions, I’m laying the groundwork for him to understand that there are lines that should not be crossed.
I can’t help but wonder if you would have touched his hair if I weren’t white or if he were with his Black father. My ethnicity does not give you permission to invade his personal space.
I don’t wish to be the mother who bristles at every question or misstep, nor do I want to assume the worst in every situation. We’re all navigating this racially aware world together, and I want my sons to be assertive yet understanding, empowered yet relaxed.
If your curiosity is genuine and you wish to learn more about caring for Black hair or understanding our family better, I’d be open to a conversation—just not in front of my son, who is already aware of his identity in predominantly white environments, like that shoe store at the beach. Open dialogue is essential for growth and understanding, and I owe it to my children to foster that.
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Summary:
An encounter at a shoe store sparked a reflection on the importance of respecting personal boundaries, especially regarding Black children’s hair. As a white mother, the author emphasizes the need to teach her son about ownership of his body and the significance of cultural sensitivity. Understanding curiosity is vital, but it must never come at the expense of another’s comfort and rights.