I Thought I Wanted Another Child

I welcomed my youngest child when I was just 26. With a son and a daughter, my husband and I thought we were finished expanding our family. By “we,” I mean my husband was set on having only two kids. He grew up with just one sibling and always envisioned a family of four. As the middle child myself, I had always dreamed of having three children. But we were in our mid-20s, eager to travel and explore the world—an adventure that would be tricky to manage with a bunch of little ones in tow. The thought of being 42 (yikes!) when our daughter started high school was daunting. Reluctantly, I agreed. After all, I’d be turning 30 soon. Who wants a baby at that age, anyway?

Then I hit 30, and my baby fever kicked in full force. With my youngest in preschool, I found myself missing the joys of having a baby around. Friends in their 30s were announcing pregnancies left and right without a care about advanced maternal age or the possibility of being 50 by the time their kids graduated.

I began to nudge my husband, planting the idea of “one more baby.” I would say, “We’re still so young!” and “Look how adorable they are!” When that didn’t work, I started pleading. “I truly need this!” I’d say, “My heart feels incomplete,” and even added, “I never got to take those cute maternity photos!” Eventually, he relented (or I wore him down)—we’d try for another baby. But there was a condition: I had to conceive within a year. If it didn’t happen in the next 12 months, we would stop trying. It was decided.

After taking a few months to get pregnant with my first two, I knew I had to take some action. I bought ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests. I signed up for a fertility tracker app to chart my basal body temperature, cycles, and other not-so-glamorous fertility signs like “egg white cervical mucus.” I even ordered a special sperm-friendly lubricant that was supposed to help those little swimmers on their journey. Was it a bit odd? Maybe. But I was determined.

Then nothing happened.

Month 1:

During what I thought was the prime time to try (I never quite mastered that fertility tracker), I panicked. What if it happened right away? Could I handle 16 weeks of morning sickness? We had a trip to Vegas on the horizon. Fine, let’s wait until next month.

Month 2:

A baby would be due around Christmas. Ugh, that doesn’t sound ideal. Let’s postpone until next month.

Month 3:

My second child arrived a month early. I didn’t want to risk having a Christmas baby. Next month it is.

Month 4:

Vegas! Drinks! Fun! Better to play it safe. Next month.

Months 5, 6, and 7:

Summer was here! Cancun? Yes, please! I love margaritas and seafood. We’ll wait until the kids are back in school.

Month 8:

Our youngest is in kindergarten. Am I really ready to start all over? Does my husband genuinely want another child, or is he just saying yes to keep me happy? What if I face another miscarriage like the first time? I already have two wonderful kids. Why am I longing for more? Will another baby truly fill this desire, or will I always crave just one more? I was conflicted. Perhaps it simply wasn’t the right time.

Month 9:

How about we just get a dog?

I ultimately couldn’t go through with it. While my heart still ached for a baby, my hesitation was a clear sign that it likely wasn’t meant to be. I finally accepted that I might always feel a sense of incompleteness. Maybe all mothers feel this way, especially those who have experienced loss. Regardless, adding another baby to our family wasn’t in the cards for us.

Now at 39, something remarkable has happened. For the first time since I got married, that longing for a new baby has faded. Perhaps it’s the joy of my new nieces and nephews, or maybe my biological clock is simply winding down. Whatever the reason, I now look at my family, and for the very first time, I feel we are complete.

For those exploring similar feelings, resources like Progyny provide excellent insights into pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re considering options, take a look at this informative blog post about home insemination kits. Or, if you’re interested in fertility solutions, check out Make A Mom for their at-home intracervical insemination syringe kit.

Summary:

In this reflective piece, Janice Collins shares her journey through the desire for another child, the challenges of conception, and the eventual acceptance of her family’s current state. After grappling with her feelings for years, she finally finds peace in her family of four.