The other day, my pre-teen daughter gave me the classic eye roll before storming upstairs, her footsteps heavy with frustration. While she didn’t slam her door, the force she used was certainly more than necessary. There was no doubt about it—she was upset with me, and at 12 ½ years old, this reaction was entirely predictable. The root of her displeasure? She had accessed ask.fm, a site we had explicitly forbidden, stating it was off-limits under any circumstances.
The terms of service for ask.fm clearly indicate that users must be at least 13 years old, a guideline rooted in the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. We had made it clear that our household would adhere to this rule. Yet she retorted, “But you said I couldn’t have an account. I don’t have an account! You never said I couldn’t use it without one.” Her dramatic exit was my cue that she didn’t agree with my stance.
Later that night, while my partner and I reflected on the evening’s events, I found myself questioning our parenting choices. Was I being too strict? Am I falling into the trap of being a helicopter parent? I know my daughter needs the freedom to make mistakes, and that’s when I remembered advice from the renowned football coach Lou Holtz: Know your mandate.
This phrase resonated with me as a parent, allowing me to feel more secure in my decisions. My actions that night aligned with what I see as my parenting mandate, which eased my usual self-doubt. Here’s what I believe my responsibilities as a parent encompass:
- Ensuring my child’s safety.
- Promoting her health.
- Showing love and affection.
- Supporting her education.
- Teaching her respect and responsibility, including adherence to both laws and our family rules.
While every parent’s mandate may vary, these priorities rank high on my list. I recognize that I cannot protect my daughter forever, nor should I aim to. As she matures, my role shifts to guiding her on how to safeguard herself.
Fulfillment of these mandates demands time and energy—resources that are always in short supply for parents. What also helps me maintain focus is knowing what my mandate does not include. My role isn’t limitless, and understanding these boundaries is crucial.
Here’s what I don’t see as part of my parenting responsibilities:
- I am not my child’s friend.
- It’s not my duty to fulfill every desire she expresses.
- My decisions do not have to mirror those of other parents.
- I am not her sole source of entertainment.
- I am not responsible for her happiness.
That last point can be particularly challenging when dealing with a moody tween. Many parents, myself included, dislike making our children unhappy, even if they think otherwise. It’s difficult to see her upset, but it’s essential to remember that her happiness ultimately falls on her.
Tweens and teens are capable of handling responsibility. Their choices can significantly impact their happiness, a vital lesson that often requires painful experiences to fully grasp. Part of our role is to allow them to face the consequences of their actions.
Understanding my mandate strengthens my resolve, even when it feels isolating. I know I may be swimming against the tide with my social media rules, especially when other parents take a different stance. However, my confidence in my decisions stems from knowing they align with my parenting goals.
Lou Holtz may not have been dispensing parenting advice, but his wisdom applies beyond the football field. Knowing your purpose in parenting can help you stay the course, even when it’s challenging.
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In summary, knowing your parenting mandate can provide clarity and confidence in your decisions, especially when navigating the turbulent waters of raising tweens and teens.