These days, parenting has become the central theme of my existence. It’s what I live and breathe, and it recently prompted me to seek therapy. Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I’ve found myself at odds with my own upbringing. I’ve come to realize that my parents raised me in a way that starkly contrasts with my own parenting approach. It’s not about comparison, but rather a revelation that my childhood had its share of dysfunction, which has led me to confront some unresolved issues. The generational differences in parenting styles are common, often contributing to feelings of isolation among mothers, also known as mom loneliness, along with that nagging mommy guilt.
My parents had my brother and me when they were just 18 and 19 years old—definitely not planned and without the emotional readiness to raise children. They did their best to provide us with a roof, clothes, and food, but they were still navigating their own unresolved childhood issues. My father, an immigrant, faced a tumultuous upbringing with an abusive father, while my mother dealt with the struggles of poverty and an alcoholic parent.
In the week following my daughter’s birth, I began to reflect on my parents’ sacrifices, only to realize that these came with a heavy dose of resentment. My father’s infidelities and aggressive tendencies, combined with my mother’s passive aggression, created an atmosphere of tension and unresolved frustrations. While they believed they were working hard to give us a better life, their sacrifices were often clouded by their own struggles.
As I became more aware of the dysfunctional aspects of my upbringing, my protective instincts for my child intensified, leading to serious trust issues. I began to withdraw from friends, avoided babysitters, and became obsessed with doing everything “right,” though I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. My guidance came from instinct, online advice, and suggestions from other mothers.
During visits with my parents, certain interactions stood out and made me uncomfortable but ultimately illuminated their parenting style. For instance, my father questioned whether my daughter was as smart as I believed, which left me puzzled. When I breastfed, he had to leave the room, and my mother jokingly held my baby above her head, telling her to tell me to be quiet. These moments highlighted a lack of respect in our home growing up, which I now see contributed to some of the difficulties I faced as a child.
Years before motherhood, I ventured across the country to pursue a career in a nonprofit organization focused on anti-violence. There, I learned about the impacts of abuse on children and how it shaped my own experiences with anxiety and my brother’s struggles with addiction. Helping others with backgrounds similar to mine helped me understand healthy relationships and build my own self-esteem. However, the transition to motherhood left me alone with my thoughts during long days at home, which turned toxic, leading to anger about my past. I realized I had been using work as a distraction from confronting my issues. Returning to work brought triggers from interactions with people I was trying to assist, eventually culminating in my layoff, which allowed me the space to begin healing.
As the first of my friends to step into motherhood, I kept my struggles hidden, not wanting to seem overwhelming. My daughter’s erratic schedule added to my anxiety, and I felt isolated among other mothers, realizing we all faced our own challenges. This loneliness was crippling and detrimental to my self-esteem, filling me with guilt over my inability to trust my family. Seeking help from a therapist became vital as I worked through my past and started rebuilding my confidence.
I connected with a therapist who emphasized the significance of female friendships in the journey of motherhood. As I spoke less with my mom and forged connections with new mom friends, I discovered that many of us navigate through challenging times characterized by overwhelming love and the trauma of parenting. We all face struggles, whether it’s an unsupportive partner, a child with health concerns, or postpartum depression.
Most parents strive to create better lives for their children, drawing from their experiences. My parents worked hard to escape poverty; my father’s parents moved countries to escape dire circumstances; my mother’s mother left an abusive relationship to ensure safety for her children. I don’t harbor resentment towards my parents for their methods, but I recognize the need to heal my own insecurities and manage my anxieties to be a better mom. I want my daughter to feel loved and respected, fostering her sense of safety and connection so that she can navigate her own struggles with compassion and support.
In summary, parenting is a journey filled with intense love and inevitable mistakes. As I embrace my role, I hope to create a nurturing environment for my child, one where she can grow confident and connected to the world, even amidst the challenges that come with parenthood.