When I attended my 36-week growth scan, the news that my baby had passed away shattered my world. A profound blend of sorrow and disbelief engulfed me. In those initial weeks, I would occasionally wake in the night momentarily forgetting the reality of my loss. But as I emerged from sleep, the weight of the truth would crash down on me: this was not a dream; it was my new reality.
People often struggle to find the right words when someone experiences the loss of a baby—it defies the natural order of life. Strangely, there’s no term for parents who have lost a child. If you lose your parents, you become an orphan. If you lose a spouse, you are a widow or widower. But if you lose a child, society seems relieved it wasn’t them.
Conversations with loved ones during those early days are often filled with discomfort. While some offer genuine support with a hug or a kind word, many resort to phrases that, despite being well-intentioned, lack any real meaning.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase became a constant refrain in my life after my loss. I often wondered if people truly considered the implications of what they were saying or if they simply repeated it because it sounded wise. When tragedy strikes, this phrase is often wielded as if it holds the key to understanding our suffering.
Did your dog get hit by a car? “Everything happens for a reason.”
Lost your job and home? “Everything happens for a reason.”
Your partner cheated? “Everything happens for a reason.”
Your child faces bullying? “Everything happens for a reason.”
And when it comes to losing a baby, “Don’t be sad, everything happens for a reason.” Yet, no one can articulate what that reason might be.
The underlying message seems to be that eventually, you’ll discover the silver lining or lesson in your tragedy. You’re told to hold on until that enlightening moment arrives.
Let me be clear: I completely reject the idea that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who believes that has likely never faced a true tragedy. What conceivable reason could justify the loss of a perfectly healthy baby? Struggling to find one? That’s because there isn’t one. There’s no hidden wisdom behind such pain— it simply hurts.
Why did our precious baby die while another was born addicted to substances? Why did our longed-for child die when others are abandoned? Every time I read about a baby mistreated or neglected, I want to scream.
Everything happens for a reason? Absolutely not. The reality is that events occur randomly. Being a good person or adhering to a specific faith does not grant immunity from heartbreak. Did you genuinely think that living a good life would spare you from immense sorrow? Think again.
Sometimes terrible things happen to wonderful people, and sometimes good things befall those who do not deserve them. That’s just how life operates. You can’t control these events, so stop placing blame on yourself.
It’s time to stop trying to rationalize painful experiences by insisting they must have a purpose. There isn’t always a greater good or lesson hidden within tragedies. Life doesn’t come neatly packaged with a bow. Sometimes, bad things just occur without any reason.
If you’re interested in exploring more about navigating the complexities of parenthood and loss, check out some of our other articles on related topics, such as this one. For those looking into artificial insemination, Make a Mom offers excellent resources for home insemination kits. Additionally, for further information on fertility and pregnancy, consider visiting Johns Hopkins Fertility Center.
Summary:
The belief that “everything happens for a reason” is often used to console those experiencing profound loss, yet this phrase fails to acknowledge the randomness and senselessness of tragedy. Losing a child is an unimaginable pain that cannot be justified or rationalized. Instead of seeking reasons, we should accept that sometimes life is simply unfair, and bad things happen without explanation.