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By Olivia Carter
Updated: March 9, 2021
Originally Published: September 19, 2015
Recently, during a conversation with my friend Samantha about our families, she expressed her desire for her marriage to be as perfect as mine. I was taken aback; my marriage is a blend of many things, but perfect is not one of them! If she knew the reality of my relationship with my husband, she would not label it as “perfect.”
In our first year of marriage, both past emotional baggage and my lofty expectations of what a husband should be had us questioning whether we had made the right decision. Growing up, I often watched my mother anxiously wait for my stepfather to come home, sensing when something was off. As dinner time approached and he was still absent, she would start pacing, and the tension would escalate. My siblings and I learned to tiptoe around the house as the minutes passed, knowing that chaos would erupt once he finally walked through the door.
My parents engaged in this dysfunctional cycle for over twenty years. My mother claimed she endured it for our sake, but if you asked my siblings and me, we would have unanimously agreed that enduring a volcano’s wrath was preferable to hearing their constant fighting. Witnessing their tumultuous marriage left me with deep-seated doubts about relationships and trust. Yet, I felt an emptiness that I believed could only be filled by finding a partner, so I set out on a quest for my Prince Charming to restore my faith in love.
After years of kissing countless frogs, I finally found my prince, and we got engaged. I was ecstatic! I meticulously planned a beautiful garden wedding, and the day exceeded all my expectations. At last, it seemed like I was on my way to transforming the scars of my childhood into a fairy tale.
However, I quickly realized I was unprepared for the effort and compromise that marriage demands. Arguments began almost immediately. Why do you always hog the covers? Why are you turning down the heat? It’s cold in here! Why am I the one cooking dinner every night? You’re his father too, so why don’t you help with bath time? What happened to our quality time? Are you seeing someone else? Oh, so this is all my fault? This is who I am, and I won’t change for you!
As that first year progressed, we argued and reconciled, but it soon felt like we were arguing more than we were reconciling. I was blindsided by the reality of married life. Sure, I could plan a fairy tale wedding, but the day-to-day reality of marriage felt daunting. The notion of compromise was foreign to me, and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t have things my way all the time. When my dreams of a perfect marriage collided with reality, resentment began to fester.
There were days when the sight of my husband irritated me deeply—the way he ate, his laugh, and especially his snoring, which made me contemplate drastic measures! I felt angry with him for not providing the “happily ever after” that I had anticipated. Our mutual disappointment grew, and we struggled to communicate our true feelings.
Fear gripped me; I worried my husband would become like my stepfather, and that he wouldn’t uphold his vows. What if I couldn’t handle the pressures of married life? I feared I wasn’t cut out to be a good wife. It felt easier to distance myself than confront my anxieties or risk him leaving me first.
I was on the verge of letting fear and unrealistic expectations jeopardize my marriage. I wanted my husband to erase the painful memories of my past, expecting his love to heal my wounds. I entered the marriage broken, hoping he could make me whole. When that didn’t happen, I unfairly placed the blame on him, making him just another disappointment in a long line of them.
This was not the love story I had envisioned! Our struggles soon impacted our five-year-old son, who expressed fears that we might divorce. That hit me hard, as I realized I was repeating the cycle of dysfunction from my childhood and putting my son in the same situation I had grown up in.
That realization was my wake-up call. I didn’t want my son to view marriage through a jaded lens like I had. It was vital for him to see a healthy relationship, so he could form realistic expectations of what marriage entails.
Now, as my husband and I approach our sixth wedding anniversary, I can confidently say our marriage is still far from perfect. I still wrestle with insecurities about being a good wife, and yes, we still bicker, and his snoring remains a source of annoyance. But in spite of our flaws, we love one another. We’ve learned to create a rhythm that works for us rather than striving for an unattainable ideal. The future is uncertain, but what truly matters is our commitment to each other’s happiness.
So, no, we don’t have a perfect marriage. But we do have a partnership that thrives in its own unique way.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the realities of marriage, illustrating how it can be filled with challenges, misunderstandings, and growth rather than perfection. Through personal experiences and realizations, it emphasizes the importance of commitment, communication, and compromise, ultimately portraying a partnership that works amidst imperfections.