Updated: Feb. 9, 2023 | Originally Published: Sep. 20, 2022
How do you respond when you slip up? For the longest time, I didn’t respond at all; I simply wallowed in my own feelings of embarrassment. When we err, a reflexive reaction often kicks in—a familiar voice echoing in our minds, one that may have been there since childhood. What does your inner voice say?
For me, it echoes back to a moment with my father when I was about ten. I had spoken out of turn in a math class, and the school called home. My father summoned me to the living room—a place reserved for special occasions. He gestured for me to sit on the pristine white couch inherited from my grandparents. In a low tone, he declared, “You’ve embarrassed our family.” I felt as though the walls were closing in, consumed by the thought that all our relatives would know about my blunder. That was the extent of my punishment; no one ever revisited the incident to discuss my feelings or the reasons behind my actions, even though I was generally a well-behaved child.
Looking back, I realize that this moment shaped my relationship with mistakes. I often retreated into myself, striving for perfection to avoid shame. I always wondered how some people brushed off their errors so easily. I thought they were just more resilient, but perhaps it’s really about how we were taught to confront mistakes as kids.
Four Empowering Words
Here are four empowering words to remember: “Do better next time.” As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When you know better, you do better.” She doesn’t suggest, “When you mess up, berate yourself and feel worthless,” because that approach is counterproductive. Many people turn to unhealthy habits when shame surfaces. It’s conceivable that the roots of addiction stem from an inability to accept one’s imperfections. Mistakes are a natural part of growth; how does a child learn to walk? By stumbling and falling. And how do elite athletes perfect their skills? By practicing, often failing, and being encouraged to try again.
Being present in life is nearly impossible if you’re dwelling on past mistakes. It’s only when you accept your actions for what they are and resolve to do better next time that you can truly move forward.
Advice for Growth
What advice do you give to a child after they stumble? Dr. Amelia Rivers emphasizes in her book The Mindful Parent: “When we err, it’s essential to first forgive ourselves, show a little compassion, and then let go. Mistakes should be seen as opportunities for growth rather than occasions for punishment.” If we want our children to learn from their missteps, we must eliminate any sense of guilt so they understand that even when they falter, they are still worthy.
Children observe how we handle our own challenges and mistakes, mirroring our reactions. When they see us accept that errors are a natural part of life, they can free themselves from feelings of failure and become more comfortable with their own imperfections.
Reflecting on my own experience, I realize that what might have helped me when I spoke out of turn was a parent who guided me through understanding my actions. Discovering the reasons behind my behavior could have facilitated the changes I needed to make.
Embrace the Journey
So, what voice resonates in your mind when you make a mistake? Embrace those four powerful words: “Do better next time.” Mistakes are a part of life—acknowledge them, and then let them go. It’s liberating to have that positive affirmation echoing in your head instead.
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In summary, embracing mistakes as learning opportunities can empower both you and your children. The way we respond to errors shapes our perceptions and experiences moving forward.