Rhetorical Parenting Queries: Navigating the Chaos

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Updated: Sep. 17, 2020

Originally Published: Sep. 20, 2015

In the early days of parenting, I was all about engaging my kids in meaningful conversations about their choices. For instance, when one of my little ones decided to climb the banister for a thrilling slide, I would gently intervene: “Oh no! That might seem fun like in cartoons, but in real life, sliding down banisters is a no-go. Can you tell me why? Exactly! It’s dangerous. Banisters are meant to help us stay safe while using the stairs. What could happen if you slid down and fell off? Yes, that’s right—you could get really hurt. What’s a safer place to slide? A playground slide is perfect! Great thinking. Now, how about we wrap this lesson up with a cozy cuddle?”

That sounds lovely, right? I was patient and thoughtful, making sure my kids understood important lessons about safety, nutrition, and appropriate nudity. After all, it’s their life to navigate.

However, these days, especially in the hustle between waking and sleeping, my approach has shifted dramatically. There’s little time for explanations when a child is about to take a bite out of the dog. Lately, I find myself resorting to sarcasm and pointed questions that highlight the obvious. Honestly, these rhetorical gems have become my go-to tactics.

• “Do we put toys in the toilet?”
• “Do we throw cats?”
• “Should you wash your hair with pudding?”

I think the reason for my abrupt shift is that sometimes, my children seem to lack common sense. They engage with the world in ways that defy logic. Walls become canvases for diaper cream art, shirtsleeves turn into makeshift handkerchiefs, and my sanity? That’s just a punching bag.

• “Do we paint our brother?”
• “Are bookcases ladders?”
• “Do people enjoy being farted on?”

I feel like I’m teaching a class in basic reasoning to creatures who are, at times, more chaotic than rational. I wish I could believe my kids know the answers to my rhetorical questions (hint: the answer is almost always “no”), but sometimes I wonder if they’re guided by instinct rather than logic. “The sun is overhead,” my son might think, “it must be time to pee on the front lawn.”

• “Are umbrellas swords?”
• “Are you an animal?”
• “Do we store things in our underpants?”

I’ve resorted to pointing out the obvious, hoping to guide these “curly, dimpled lunatics,” as Ralph Waldo Emerson aptly described them, to understand that we only jump on trampolines—not on our siblings. Yes, even if they’re laughing.

• “Should you lick the floor?”
• “Are dogs meant to wear shoes?”
• “Does mommy come to the dinner table naked?”

It’s a never-ending cycle of correcting small beings who seem to thrive on making poor choices. Yet, amidst the chaos, I cling to the hope that one day I won’t have to ask, “Does that go in your nose?”

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In summary, parenting can often feel more chaotic than instructional, with days filled with rhetorical questions that highlight the absurdities in our kids’ choices. But as we navigate these moments, we hold on to the hope that sense will eventually prevail.