Parenting Insights
Updated: Jan. 28, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 22, 2015
As my children and I arrive at a friend’s house, we receive a warm welcome at the door. I greet everyone with a cheerful, “Hi, guys!” and our daughters enthusiastically respond with “Hello!” and “Good morning!” However, our son quietly slips in without uttering a word.
My friend, recognizing him, asks how he is doing. He looks down, takes off his shoes, and then turns to me with a random question—completely ignoring the greeting. “She said ‘hello’ to you, buddy,” I gently remind him, hoping to prompt a response. He mutters a quick “hi,” barely making eye contact, before dashing off into the house.
It’s easy for someone to think, How rude! But I understand my son. He’s not being disrespectful; he’s simply shy. Many children experience phases of shyness, each varying in intensity. Sometimes, even familiar faces elicit silence from them—a fleeting glance or a minimal wave, if anything. While we’ve taught our kids to respond to greetings, shyness can be a formidable barrier.
I’ve noticed that some kids will chat with anyone they meet. I’ve had young children strike up conversations with me in stores, so comfortable and carefree. I find it amusing, but it’s a stark contrast to the dynamics in our home. My husband and I were both reserved as kids, and our children have inherited that trait.
Then, there are those who are not overly outgoing but can manage a polite greeting when approached. They might not initiate conversations with strangers but can engage when asked a question.
In our case, we’re dealing with the extremely shy type—our kids, ages 4 to 9, fit that category. People who know me now might be surprised, but I was once painfully shy too. I remember the overwhelming discomfort that comes when someone talks to you. It’s as if you’re on stage, under a spotlight, with a crowd waiting for you to deliver a speech you haven’t prepared. That feeling—of nervousness and pressure—envelops a shy child when faced with social interaction.
While it may sound exaggerated, for shy kids, simple interactions can provoke significant anxiety. They might be scanning their environment, needing time to acclimate before they can engage. When a shy child appears to be ignoring you, they are often very aware of your presence; they’re just caught up in their internal struggle, making it challenging to summon the words to respond.
I don’t know what causes shyness, but I’ve experienced it myself and eventually found my voice. It probably took a mix of time, practice, and some gentle nudging from those around me. I realized that being shy was more uncomfortable than just engaging with others. My daughters, who are now 11 and 15, have mostly overcome their shyness, so I’m hopeful our son will too.
The key takeaway here is to not label a shy child as rude. Recognizing the effort required for them to make eye contact and say “hi” can shift your perspective. One of my parents’ greatest gifts to me was allowing me to be myself without shame. This acceptance helped me eventually find my voice.
To support shy children, avoid pressuring them to converse. A warm smile and a simple greeting like, “It’s nice to see you!” can go a long way. It’s best to refrain from asking too many questions until they feel more at ease. Remember, their lack of interaction is not rudeness; it’s simply shyness.
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Summary:
Shyness in children can often be mistaken for rudeness. Understanding the internal struggles they face helps reshape our perceptions. Encouraging a supportive environment without pressure can help them gradually overcome their shyness.